Big News Report for Sunday, December 16, 2007

Monday, December 17, 2007 in Big News Writers, Blogroll, Highlights, Humor, News, News & Commentary, News In Brief, The Biz
Tags: Barney, baseball, Bush, Citizen Kane, crack, Fergie, George Mitchell, Groundhog Day, Ike Turner, iTunes, JK Rowling, John Lennon, Maroon 5, Oj Simpson, Phil Spector, post office, Robert Blake, sentencing guidelines, Sopranos, steroids

On Thursday former Senator George Mitchell released a 400-page report listing major league baseball players who have been connected to steroid use.   Though the report was originally a three page leaflet, Mitchell denies using any report-enhancing substances. 

The U.S. Supreme Court ruled last week that judges could give shorter prison terms to people convicted of crack cocaine crimes. Upon hearing the news, crackheads celebrated … by smoking crack.

The Post Office has announced that it will ignore letters addressed generically to “Any Wounded Soldier.” Meanwhile, the Bush administration will continue to ignore every wounded soldier.

A trial is underway in New Jersey over claims by a former judge that he helped David Chase create “The Sopranos”. Explained the judge: “I remember exactly where I was when I came up with the idea for “The Sopranos.”  Right outside the movie theatre where I had just seen “Analyze This.””

The original working script for “Citizen Kane” was auctioned off Tuesday for $97,000. The studio that bought the script plans to remake the film as a wacky comedy starring Cedric the Entertainer. 

In an auction of Beatles memorabilia, a lock of John Lennon’s hair sold for $48,000. Experts felt the hair would have attracted higher bids if the ends had not been split by Yoko.

iTunes announced that the acts with the biggest selling downloads of 2007 were Maroon 5 and Fergie. The news confirms that computers have become simple enough for even retards to use.

Sony Pictures announced they are releasing a 15th anniversary edition of the movie “Groundhog Day” on January 29th. Sony Pictures announced they are releasing a 15th anniversary edition of the movie “Groundhog Day” on January 29th. 

One of only seven copies of a new book by JK Rowling sold at auction Thursday for four million dollars.  Or, as Rowling calls it, “pocket change.” 

The White House has released its annual holiday Barney-cam video, which features the first family’s dog roaming around the house. Barney never left the house because he didn’t have a viable exit strategy. 

In Kentucky, a U.S. solder surprised his daughters by arriving home inside a Christmas present. Meanwhile, a Chicken Dance Elmo received orders to deploy to Iraq. 

Northern Illinois University is under a security alert through the end of the semester after police found threats scribbled on a bathroom wall.  A campus police officer advised all members of the university community to be on the lookout for the following suspects: a woman named Diana, who may or may not be offering a good time; and a well-endowed and very limber man from Nantucket.

And finally, Ike Turner, who rose to fame in the 1960’s with then-wife Tina, died Wednesday at 76.  Turner left a legacy as an innovative musician who inspired many imitators, namely Phil Spector, Robert Blake, and O.J. Simpson.