Hillary Clinton was the winner of the Democratic caucuses in Nevada on Saturday. Her campaign attributed her victory to husband Bill’s personal outreach, especially at the Spearmint Rhino.
Federal investigators have determined that a single design flaw is responsible for last year’s bridge collapse in Minnesota. Investigators will next try to determine the flaw responsible for causing the collapse of Fred Thompson’s presidential campaign.
On Wednesday a judge doubled O.J. Simpson’s bail to $250,000 for violating the original terms in his armed robbery case. Argued Simpson’s attorney: “Come on! $250,000?! It’s not like he murdered somebody. Oh.. wait. Never mind.”
A new study reveals that a drug-resistant strain of potentially deadly bacteria could be transmitted through sexual activity among gay men. As a precautionary measure, the CDC is prohibiting members of Congress from using airport bathrooms.
MySpace has reached an agreement with more than forty-five states to help prevent sexual predators from using the social networking website. As part of the agreement, all sexual predators will receive a free account on Facebook.
This week marked ten years since the Bill Clinton-Monica Lewinsky scandal first broke. Jay Leno commemorated the event by using ten year old Lewinsky jokes in his monologue – just like any other night.
As part of her punishment for drunken driving, Lindsay Lohan will complete community service by working in a morgue. Lohan chose that location in hopes of finding her acting career.
George Michael has announced plans to write his autobiography. The British singer will write alone in a rest stop bathroom, in hopes of finding someone to finish it off for him.
Belgium is celebrating the fiftieth anniversary of the first Smurfs comic strip. Good news for fans: even after fifty years, Smurfette is still a Smilf.
Marvel Comics has announced that Spider-Man and wife Mary Jane are breaking up after twenty years of marriage. Explained Mary Jane: ” I mean, being married to a superhero is pretty cool but…he’s just too clingy. Plus, he’s not shooting webs in the bedroom like he used to, if you get my drift.”
Autopsy results released Wednesday revealed that Ike Turner died of a cocaine overdose. These results provide conclusive evidence that cocaine is not a woman, because Ike Turner didn’t beat it.
2007 saw a sharp decrease in the number of cocaine shipments seized by the U.S. government. 2007 also saw a dramatic increase in the number of cocaine shipments seized by Amy Winehouse.
Scientists at Rice University used a carpet of carbon nanotubes to create the darkest substance known to man. The substance then locked itself into its room, where it spends all day listening to Morrissey and brooding.
New research suggests that syphilis was transmitted from South America to Europe by members of Christopher Columbus’ crew. In light of this revelation, textbooks will now contain the following rhyme: “In Fourteen Hundred Ninety-two, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. In Fourteen Hundred Ninety-four, he returned with open sores.”
Rams owner Georgia Frontiere, who moved the team from Anaheim to St. Louis, died Thursday at age eighty. Funeral services will be held in Pasadena, unless another city makes a better offer.
Several dozen people have reported seeing a flat, metallic UFO hovering over a small dairy farming town in Texas. Said a local farmer: “Well, at least one mystery’s solved. We now know who’s responsible for all them cow anal rapes around town. Yup. Definitely them UFO’s. Not anyone else. Time to stop investigatin’. Case closed.”
New experiments show that playing games on the Nintendo Wii can help improve the performance of surgeons. The findings are a huge step forward for medical schools, which until now have had to train doctors using Milton Bradley’s “Operation.”
A construction worker was killed Monday when a crane collapsed outside of a tower being built by Donald Trump. Said Trump: “This construction accident is the classiest, most spectacular, glamorous and luxurious accident in the history of the world, and the funeral, is going to be huge.”
And finally, Richard Knerr, co-founder of Wham-o, the toy company that popularized such fads as the Hula Hoop, died Monday at age eighty-two. Mourners plan to attend the funeral for about five minutes before they get bored and find something more fun to do.
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