Big News Report for the Week Ending Sunday, March 2, 2008 – Deleted Scenes!

Saturday, March 1, 2008 in Big News Writers, Highlights, Humor, News, News & Commentary, News In Brief, Quick Takes, The Biz, Writers
Tags: 2008 Election, 50 Cent, abstinence, Academy Awards, Angelina Jolie, antidepressants, antihistamines, Aquafina, Barack Obama, beef, Berkeley Springs, Best Picture, Bill Gates, Black Crowes, Brad Pitt, Camilla Parker-Bowles, cats, civil rights, College Road Trip, Conan O'Brien, cribs, Cuba, David Letterman, depression, Dick Cheney, dogs, dust bunnies, earthquake, Election, electrons, England, feng shui, fidel castro, Florida, France, George W. Bush, Harvard, Hepatitis C, Hillary Clinton, HIV, Hotmail, Indonesia, Jamie Lynn Spears, Jay Leno, Jeb Bush, Johnnie Carr, Las Vegas, Los Angeles, Louis Farrakhan, lung cancer, Maxim, Mayor McCheese, McDonald's, Microsoft, NASA, National Review, Oscars, Planned Parenthood, power outage, prisons, Raul Castro, recall, robots, Roger Clemens, Roomba, smoking, solar probe, space, Starbucks, steroids, Sumatra, Tom Cruise, Ulysses, vitamin E, water, water quality, William F. Buckley, Zoey 101

You know how a DVD contains scenes from a movie that had to be cut because there was no time for them in the theatrical release? We face the same issue each week in putting together the Big News Report! So, here’s some great jokes that we just couldn’t fit into the show – stop by iO West Sunday night at 10 to see what made it in!

Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan gave a speech on Sunday in which he professed his support for Barack Obama. In response, Obama told Farrakhan to shut his damn pie hole.

Hillary Clinton’s campaign announced Thursday that they raised $35 million in February. Which means after Barack Obama finishes her off, the Clinton campaign will hold the swankiest concession speech party ever.

Hillary Clinton’s campaign announced Thursday that they raised $35 million in February. If Hillary wins the nomination, the money will be used to buy everyone coats for when Hell freezes over.

President Bush predicted on Monday that the Republican Party will hold the White House in 2008. He went on to predict that the 2008 Oscar for Best Picture will go to “College Road Trip”.

Fidel Castro’s nearly five decades of rule ended Sunday when Cuba’s National Assembly chose his younger brother Raul to be the country’s new president. It’s the first time someone has been handed leadership of a country by his brother since the 2000 election when Governor Jeb Bush gave Florida to his brother George.

Fidel Castro’s nearly five decades of rule ended Sunday when Cuba’s National Assembly chose his younger brother Raul to be the country’s new president. Assembly voters said they were looking for a hardliner who would maintain the status quo with an iron fist, but Dick Cheney was unavailable.

143 million pounds of beef is being recalled due to violation of safe slaughtering practices. As a result, high schools across America will now teach teens to practice safe slaughtering.

143 million pounds of beef is being recalled due to violation of safe slaughtering practices. This is why Planned Parenthood reminds us to always wear a condom while giving hot beef injections.

A new report indicates that 1% of all adult Americans are currently in prison. However, the number jumps to 50% when you account for those who are married.

A top expert on artificial intelligence has warned that increasingly autonomous, gun-totting robots developed for warfare could easily fall into the hands of terrorists. On the bright side, thanks to the Roomba, the U.S. is currently winning the war on dust bunnies.

A Congressional committee asked the Justice Department to investigate whether Roger Clemens made false statements under oath about being injected in the buttocks by his trainer. And also about taking steroids.

Civil rights activist Johnnie Carr has passed away at age 97. Johnnie Carr’s role in the civil rights movement will be filled by one of three other civil rights activists – Jay Len, David Letter, or Conan O’Brie.

NASA says that the Ulysses solar probe is about to die by freezing to death. The space agency has no plans to save the probe since they told it a hundred times not to go into space while its hair was still wet.

On Tuesday, Starbucks closed its stores nationwide for 3 hours in order to retrain and motivate its employees. Now Starbucks baristas are more efficient at spitting in customers’ soy lattes.

A magnitude 6.7 earthquake hit off the Indonesian island of Sumatra on Monday. On the lighter side, Starbucks will now be offering a pre-stirred latte.

Microsoft’s Hotmail email service was down for several hours on Tuesday. Hotmail users were furious over their inability to log in and check for emails that were sent to them but never arrived.

Microsoft’s Hotmail email service was down for several hours on Tuesday. During that time, thousands of penises remained unenlarged, hot singles near you were unable to meet, and the Crown Prince of Nigeria was unable to complete his banking transactions.

After concluding that Microsoft charged their rivals too much for software information, the European Union fined the computer giant a record $1.3 billion dollars. Or, as Bill Gates likes to call it, “walking around money”.

A power outage in South Florida left three to four million people without electricity in the early afternoon hours last Tuesday. Luckily, 90% of those affected in Florida were already in bed.

A new survey of religious affiliation by the Pew Forum reveals that more than a quarter of adult Americans have left the faith of their childhood to join another religion. The survey also found that 100% of people who marry Tom Cruise changed their religion.

As many as 40,000 people who visited a Las Vegas clinic over the past 4 years may have contracted hepatitis C from a contaminated vial of blood. In an attempt to get ahead of this story, Las Vegas chamber of commerce is now saying these people merely had their Hep C “comped.”

Sunday’s Academy Awards was the lowest rated Oscar ceremony in history. To commemorate the low ratings, the Oscars were named an honorary member of the Bush administration.

The Black Crowes are demanding an apology from “Maxim” because the magazine’s music critic reviewed their new album without hearing it in its entirety. Meanwhile, 1974 is demanding an apology from the Black Crowes because it wants its music back.

The Black Crowes are demanding an apology from “Maxim” because the magazine’s music critic reviewed their new album without hearing it in its entirety. By way of apology, the critic explained that the album gets better the less you listen to it.

The Black Crowes are demanding an apology from “Maxim” because the magazine’s music critic reviewed their new album without hearing it in its entirety. In response, the critic demanded an apology from the Black Crowes for having recorded the new album in its entirety.

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have confirmed that they will have their next child in France. French families have responded to the news by locking up their children.

Officials have announced the recall of 24,000 cribs because they are unsafe. The most dangerous crib: 50 Cent’s house.

According to judges at the 18th annual Berkeley Springs International Water Tasting, Los Angeles has the nation’s tastiest tap water. A spokesman for the Los Angeles Dept of Water and Power says this should make up for the air quality which will give you cancer.

According to judges at the 18th annual Berkeley Springs International Water Tasting, Los Angeles has the nation’s tastiest tap water. Second place for the tasiest tap water was awarded to Aquafina.

New research indicates that taking high doses of vitamin E supplements can increase the risk of lung cancer. Teenagers plan on ignoring the findings and continuing to take vitamin E because it looks cool and all of their friends are doing it.

New research indicates that taking high doses of vitamin E supplements can increase the risk of lung cancer. Especially when you smoke it.

Harvard researchers have identified a gene in Asian monkeys that helps protect against HIV. The Bush administration has blocked the research, saying monkeys should be taught abstinence.

According to new research, many antidepressants are ineffective at treating depression. But antihistamines really kick the shit out of histamines.

Scientists say that, for the first time ever, they have filmed an electron. At least they think it is an electron, because they are not positive.

Scientists say that, for the first time ever, they have filmed an electron. While this is a significant breakthrough for science, the electron says it really wants to direct.

A man in England won one million dollars after placing a $1.00 bet on a horserace. The man won thanks to the surprise victory by the race’s underdog, Camilla Parker Bowles.

A McDonald’s in Hacienda Heights, California, is trying to lure customers by redesigning the restaurant with a feng shui theme. This change isn’t without controversy–in particular because it was done without a building permit from Mayor McCheese.

A McDonald’s in Hacienda Heights, California, is being redesigned with a feng shui theme. To help the restaurant flow more efficiently, McDonald’s employees will now flush your order directly down the toilet.

A new law in Los Angeles will require all dogs and cats to be spayed or neutered by the time they are 4 months old. The new law also requires fixing anyone involved with “Zoey 101.”

A new law in Los Angeles will require all dogs and cats to be spayed or neutered by the time they are 4 months old. Conservatives argue that the law will lead to pet promiscuity.

And finally, National Review founder William F. Buckley died on Wednesday in his Connecticut home. Many consider him the most elegant and articulate conservative writer, and thus highly influential back when conservatives actually read.