Big News Report for the Week Ending March 9, 2008 – Bonus Jokes!

Friday, March 7, 2008 in Big News Writers, Editorial, Highlights, Humor, News, News & Commentary, News In Brief, Quick Takes, The Biz, Writers
Tags: "George Bush", 2008 Election, Afghanistan, Al Franken, American Airlines, American Idol, Amy Winehouse, Anna Nicole Smith, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, Bill Foster, Bjork, Brett Favre, Brian Dunkelman, Canada, CBS, Chicago, China, Chuck E. Cheese, colonoscopies, Columbia, congress, Congressional Medal of Honor, Dennis Hastert, dollar, drugs, Dungeons and Dragons, Early Show, Ecuador, Eddie Van Halen, Edith Piaf, Elvis Presley, Frank Buckles, Gary Gygax, golf, Grand Canyon, Grateful Dead, Green Bay Packers, hawk, Helen Keller, Hell's Angels, Hillary Clinton, housework, Illinois, Iraq, Japan, Jim Oberweis, John McCain, Kansas, Keith Richards, Kid Rock, Korean War, Larry Craig, Legally Blonde, Lisa Marie Presley, London, Marion Cotillard, Mick Jagger, Moses, NAFTA, National Enquirer, NFL, Nicolas Cage, NIN, Nine Inch Nails, North Korea, ohio, Patrick Swayze, PGA, primaries, Rolling Stones, Ron Paul, Samantha Power, San Diego, Sanjaya, Saturday Night Live, Sharper Image, Sioux, smallpox, Stephen Harper, Ten Commandments, Texas, Thailand, Tijuana, Times Square, Tripp Isenhour, U.S.S. New York, Van Halen, Venezuela, Viktor Bout, Waffle House, Walt Disney World, whales, Woodrow "Woody" Keeble, World War I, Xanadu, YouTube

The Big News writing staff is so awesome that we can’t possibly include all of their great work in the show each week – so here’s their perspective on some of the week’s big stories that we had to leave on the cutting room floor! If this is what we had to leave out – stop by iO West Sunday at 10 to see what made it in!!

Democrat Bill Foster was the upset winner in a special election held Saturday to fill the congressional seat of former Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert. His party’s loss has so upset Hastert that he hasn’t been able to eat more than nine meals a day.

Samantha Power resigned from the Barack Obama campaign Friday after a Scottish newspaper published an interview in which the foreign policy advisor called Hillary Clinton a “monster.” Later that day, another advisor resigned from the Obama campaign after Dog Fancy magazine published an interview in which he called puppies “cute.”

In a White House ceremony on Thursday, President Bush honored 107-year-old Frank Buckles, the last known surviving American veteran of World War I. The president thanked Buckles for his service in both World Wars, and then sent him to fight in Iraq.

On Friday, presidential hopeful Ron Paul finally ended his bid for the White House. While admitting defeat, Paul stated, “I think my campaign was successful in achieving our main objective: wasting the time and money of ignorant, YouTube-watching youth. Welcome to democracy, pinheads.”

Hillary Clinton was the big winner in Tuesday’s Democratic primaries. Clinton was so happy with her victories that her smile was only slightly fake.

Last Saturday, Hillary Clinton made a surprise appearance on “Saturday Night Live.” Then later that evening, Hillary Clinton made an even more surprising appearance on Bill Clinton.

After winning the Texas and Ohio primaries, Hillary Clinton announced that she had no intention of stepping out of the race. Later, at the victory party, Bill Clinton announced that he would be stepping out of his pants.

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper told reporters last week that the leak of information about Barack Obama’s position on NAFTA was “blatantly unfair” to his campaign. The comments mark the angriest a Canadian has gotten over anything.

The state of New York has fined Al Franken’s corporation $25,000 for not carrying workers’ compensation insurance. The corporation needed the insurance in case one of the employees became seriously injured by tripping over Franken’s smugness.

North Korea publicly executed 15 people who attempted to flee the country or helped others escape to China. A government spokesperson said. “We really killed them because of where they were going. Come on, freedom in China? They were basically just too stupid to live.”

Notorious arms dealer Viktor Bout, branded the “Merchant of Death” for feeding weapons to conflict zones around the world, was captured in a dramatic sting operation in Thailand. Among his arsenal were AK-47s, land mines and two Thai boys he swore were 18.

Viktor Bout, the Russian arms dealer who inspired Nicholas Cage’s character in the film “Lord of War”, was arrested in Bangkok last week. Authorities are still searching for the man who inspired Nicolas Cage’s horrible hairpiece.

Viktor Bout, the Russian arms dealer who inspired Nicholas Cage’s character in the film “Lord of War”, was arrested in Bangkok last week. Unfortunately, Nicolas Cage remains free.

The dollar’s plunge continued unabated Thursday, hitting a record low point. It was so low, Amy Winehouse was seen snorting a line of coke with a rolled up peso.

The dollar’s plunge continued on Thursday, hitting a record low point. It’s gotten so bad, tourists from Tijuana are crossing the border for cheap thrills in San Diego.

The dollar’s plunge continued unabated Thursday, hitting a record low point. As a result, strippers are now demanding to be paid in pesos.

Last Tuesday, President Bush pledged that the US would support Colombia against Venezuela and Ecuador. Bush stated “This issue in Columbia hits very close to home. It may surprise you to know, I actually live in a District of Columbia.”

Dr. Arthur Blank, the nation’s foremost authority on post-traumatic stress disorder testified in court last week that up to 30 percent of Iraq and Afghanistan combat veterans are likely to be diagnosed with the ailment. The other 70% are diagnosed with Iraqnophobia.

Some 200 British army and Royal Marine officers are currently training in northeast Kansas. The lucky ones will leave Kansas and go to Iraq.

This week, the Navy christened a new ship that was built with steel from the World Trade Center in tribute to the victims of 9/11 The Navy is calling it the U.S.S. New York; Academy Award-winning actress Marion Cotillard is calling it “that ship the U.S. made up.”

Army Master Sargeant Woodrow “Woody” Keeble, who died 26 years ago, became the first full-blooded Sioux Indian to receive the Congressional Medal of Honor for his service in the Korean War. Included with the medal: Smallpox!

Brett Favre, the legendary quarterback of the Green Bay Packers, has announced his retirement after 17 seasons. Favre finishes his career with records for the most touchdown passes, most interceptions, and most incorrect spellings of his last name.

Researchers in Boston have uncovered a rare photograph of a young Helen Keller nearly 120 years after it was taken on Cape Cod. Local accounts say Helen used to love spending her summers by the Wawa.

Researchers in Boston have uncovered a rare photograph of a young Helen Keller nearly 120 years after it was taken on Cape Cod. It was right under their noses this whole time, but they were too blind to see it.

Researchers in Boston have uncovered a rare photograph of a young Helen Keller nearly 120 years after it was taken on Cape Cod. Most likely there are other photographs in existence, given Keller spent her entire life in a dark room.

A bomb blew the door off of a military recruitment center in New York’s Times Square, near Broadway. Authorities are looking for a man riding a bike or the guy who wrote “Xanadu the Musical.”

A bomb blew the door off of a military recruitment center in New York’s Times Square, near Broadway. The attack has been described as the worst atrocity to hit New York since “Legally Blonde: The Musical”

A spokesperson for Patrick Swayze has confirmed a story in the National Enquirer that the actor has pancreatic cancer. While denying reports that Swayze only has five weeks to live, the spokesperson did reveal that Swayze’s next project will be the title role in “Ghost 2.”

A spokesperson for Patrick Swayze has confirmed a story in the National Enquirer that the actor has pancreatic cancer. Reps for Mr. Swayze say the actor is still having the time of his life, which doctors say should be two to three more months.

A new documentary claims that Rolling Stones singer Mick Jagger was the target of an assassination plot hatched by the Hells Angels after a dispute over concert security. After the plan failed, the group turned instituted plan B: forcing Keith Richards to live forever.

Lisa Marie Presley has confirmed tabloid reports that she is pregnant. Doctors do not yet know whether Presley is having a boy or a girl, but expressed confidence that either way the baby will be fat.

Anna Nicole Smith’s daughter Dannielynn has been named the heir of Anna Nicole’s estate. Which means Dannielynn is now the proud owner of 25,736 pounds of silicone.

“American Idol” will air its second annual charity show in April. The show will raise money for victims who are still trying to recover from Sanjaya.

“American Idol” will air its second annual charity show in April. The show will raise money to help Brian Dunkelman buy a used car.

CBS has fired the producer of “The Early Show.” The news came as a shock to morning show viewers, since they had no idea “The Early Show” was still on the air.

CBS has fired the producer of “The Early Show.” All three viewers of “The Early Show” are very upset.

The band Nine Inch Nails have decided to release their new album on their own over the web, allowing fans to download a portion of the album for free. Fans say its worth every penny.

Last week, Kid Rock pled not guilty to a battery charge following a fight in a Waffle House last year. The singer did however plead guilty to ruining both country and rap music.

Four upcoming stops on Van Halen’s reunion tour have been postponed due to Eddie Van Halen coming down with an unidentified illness. Doctors suspect the illness is being really, really old.

American Airlines is under fire by the environmental group Friends of the Earth after it was revealed the airline flew a Boeing 777 from Chicago to London with only five passengers aboard. To be fair, each one of the passengers were really, really fat.

American Airlines is under fire by the environmental group Friends of the Earth after it was revealed the airline flew a Boeing 777 from Chicago to London with only five passengers aboard. Even worse: The flight was still late!

American Airlines is under fire by the environmental group Friends of the Earth after it was revealed the airline flew a Boeing 777 from Chicago to London with only five passengers aboard. In addition, the plane only had one snake.

China will be stricter on foreign performers after Icelandic singer Bjork shouted “Tibet! Tibet!” at the end of her concert in Shanghai this week. From now on they will only allow singers who have melodies in their songs.

A 52-year-old child molester died on Tuesday after he jumped of a courthouse balcony. Authorities are trying to determine whether the act was suicide, or if the man was just trying to molest the sidewalk.

A 52-year-old child molester died on Tuesday after he jumped off a courthouse balcony. The strangest part of this story was that he was a molester of a 52 year old child.

Executives are now facing criminal charges for distributing tainted Chinese toothpaste. The toothpaste was recalled for containing the toxic chemical diethylene glycol and an ancient Chinese remedy, Cream of SomeYoungGuy.

After the Sharper Image filed for bankruptcy last week, $75 million dollars worth of gift cards are at risk of becoming worthless. Luckily, anything consumers were going to use the gift cards on was also worthless.

A researcher believes that Moses was high on psychedelic drugs when he heard God deliver the Ten Commandments. The theory also explains the existence of the little-known eleventh commandment, “Though shall listen to the Grateful Dead perform one song for 45 minutes and think it’s totally far out, man.”

A researcher believes that Moses was high on psychedelic drugs when he heard God deliver the Ten Commandments. When asked to comment, God swore he didn’t know anyone by the name of Moses, then took a baggie out of his pocket and swallowed it.

A researcher believes that Moses was under the influence of psychedelic drugs when he heard God deliver the Ten Commandments. The researcher explained that the idea makes perfect sense when you’re high.

An Israeli researcher has claimed that Moses was high on psychedellic drugs when he heard Got deliver the Ten Commandments. Apparently he was having a really nice ride until the Burning Bush harshed his mellow.

A professional golfer was charged with killing a hawk on purpose with a golf shot because it was making noise as he videotaped a golf TV show. The golfer was the first person ever to get a birdie with one shot on a par 5.

PGA Tour player Tripp Isenhour was charged with killing a hawk on purpose with a golf shot because it was making noise as he videotaped a TV show. Tiger Woods still came back and won, after hitting five pigeons, three ducks, and an eagle on the back 9.

A new study reveals that men who do more housework have more frequent sex…with vacuum cleaners.

Walt Disney World is making safety changes to its Animal Kingdom ride after an employee was killed when she was struck by one of the ride’s cars. In addition, the park is also making safety changes to the It’s a Small World ride by turning off that annoying song so passengers no longer want to drown themselves.

Walt Disney World is making safety changes to its Animal Kingdom ride after an employee was killed by one of the ride’s cars. As a result, the park will remove the dangerous cars so that people can only be killed by the animals.

New research suggests that the most dangerous types of pre-cancerous lesions in the colon could be missed by colonoscopies. However, they are found quite easily by Larry Craig.

A pair of moms got into a fight last weekend at a Chuck E. Cheese restaurant. The moms fought over whether the pizza tasted like cardboard or plastic.

Bars in Minnesota are getting around the state’s smoking ban by having patrons pretend to be actors performing in character, which is the ban’s only exception. The plan is working, except for when the state was recently visited by Nicholas Cage, since nobody believes he’s an actor anymore.

Four crew members of a Japanese whaling ship were injured Monday when anti-whaling protestors hurled containers of acid at the crew. Unfortunately, the acid ate through the hull of the boat, and seeped into the sea, killing every whale in the vicinity.

Scientists have concluded that the Grand Canyon is older than previously thought by about 11 million years. The revised date was determined after archeologists discovered a cave drawing of young John McCain visiting the site.

Gary Gygax, who co-created Dungeons and Dragons, died Tuesday at his Wisconsin home at age 69. Gygax is survived by a wife and six children, making him the only D&D player ever to marry or reproduce.

Gary Gygax, who co-created Dungeons and Dragons fantasy game, died Tuesday at his Wisconsin home at age 69. Gygax suffered a heart attack after he rolled an 11 and his Life Energy Points fell below +17.

Gary Gygax, the co-creator of Dungeons and Dragons, died Tuesday at the age of 69. Services will be held later this week in his parents’ basement.