You know how when you have a great meal and there’s too much good stuff to eat at one sitting, so you take some home for later? Well, if the Big News Report is the meal, our writers are the great chefs, cooking up more awesome jokes then we can eat at one sitting. So here’s some morsels of humor that we couldn’t fit into the Big News Report for March 16 – to see what made it in, stop by iO West in Hollywood Sunday night at 10!
New York Governor Eliot Spitzer resigned this week following the revelation of his involvement in a high-end prostitution ring. Spitzer is also suspected of building a time machine that he took to 2028 and brought back a 59 year old Jennifer Aniston to stand next to him.
New York Governor Eliot Spitzer resigned this week following the revelation of his involvement in a high-end prostitution ring. The most crushing aspect of the story for Mrs. Spitzer is the name of the prostitute he hired: Miss Swallowzer.
Eliot Spitzer issued a public apology Monday after allegations surfaced that he paid thousands of dollars for a high-end call girl. Spitzer apologized to his family, his constituents, and low-end call girls.
With the resignation of Eliot Spitzer after his sex scandal, the new governor of New York became David Paterson, who is the nation’s first blind governor. Paterson was quite surprised to be taking over the governorship of the state, saying he never saw this scandal coming.
John McCain said on Friday he fears that al Qaeda or another extremist group might attempt spectacular attacks in Iraq to try to tilt the U.S. election against him. Geraldine Ferraro said McCain wouldn’t be in this position if he weren’t crazy.
Florida Democrats have submitted a proposal for recouping the delegates lost after the state moved its primary ahead. Pundits expect the measure to be approved based on Florida’s long history of complete competance when it comes to holding elections.
In 2008, the Iraq War will cost $12 billion a month. And that’s not even including utilities.
In 2008, the Iraq War will cost $12 billion a month. Nobody knows yet exactly how China is going to pay for it.
In 2008, the Iraq War will cost $12 billion a month. In addition, there’s no way the government’s getting back their security deposit.
Next week, Vice President Cheney will travel to the Middle East next week to participate in peace talks between Israel and the Palestinians. Or, as Cheney calls it, hunting season.
Dr. Jack Kevorkian is planning to run as an independent congressman in Michigan. If elected, he promises to love the state to death.
Suicide Dr. Jack Kevorkian is planning to run for congress in Michigan. Analysts believe Kevorkian’s reputation will not be an issue as long as he runs on a platform of killing anyone who makes it an issue.
Dr. Jack Kevorkian is planning to run as an independent congressman in Michigan. During his announcement speech, everybody in the room was put to sleep.
Dr. Jack Kevorkian is planning to run as an independent congressman in Michigan. Kevorkian says he has just the right remedy for this severely depressed state.
Dr. Jack Kevorkian is planning to run as an independent congressman in Michigan. Although his campaign has no chance to survive, Kevorkian refuses to put it out of its misery.
Dr. Jack Kevorkian is planning to run as an independent congressman in Michigan. The doctor is campaigning with the slogan “Keep Hope Alive…unless it fails to meet an acceptable Quality of Hope and doctors give it no chance of recovering.”
Dr. Death, Jack Kevorkian, is planning to run as an independent congressman in Michigan. Kevorkian’s environmental stance calls for a reduction of carbon-dioxide emissions, but an increase in carbon-monoxide emissions.
On Thursday, the Federal Reserve released a new colorized five-dollar bill. Hillary Clinton criticized the bill for lacking the experience of someone who is married to a previous five-dollar bill.
On Thursday, the Federal Reserve released a new colorized five-dollar bill. In related news, Geraldine Ferraro accused the Federal Reserve of creating this new bill just to hurt the Susan B. Anthony dollar.
Southwest Airlines grounded 43 planes on Wednesday. The planes were grounded for constantly breaking curfew.
Citing improper safety inspections, Southwest Airlines grounded forty-three planes on Wednesday. The planes also had their X-Boxes taken away and will have to wash dishes for a month.
On Monday, Greenpeace and other environmental organizations sued the Bush administration for delaying its decision on whether to include polar bears in the Endangered Species Act. If President Bush doesn’t comply, the organizations will send polar bears to eat his grandchildren.
The price of gold has reached a record of $1,000 an ounce. The price increase is largely due to Amy Winehouse figuring out how to snort it.
It was reported this week that Chuck Norris has become a hero to many soldiers currently serving in Iraq. Norris’ inspiration is expected to help the United States win the war in 1986.
It was reported this week that Chuck Norris has become a hero to many soldiers currently serving in Iraq. Meanwhile, Steven Segal has become a hero to soldiers who put on so much weight they can no longer fight.
MySpace held their “Operation MySpace” concert on Monday, where U.S. troops in the Middle East got to see live performances from Carlos Mencia and Jessica Simpson. The concert boosted troop morale, since, by comparison, fighting in Iraq is a pleasant experience.
MySpace held their “Operation MySpace” concert on Monday, where U.S. troops in the Middle East got to see live performances from Carlos Mencia and Jessica Simpson. The concert was permitted after President Bush signed a bill allowing for the torture of our own troops.
Paris Hilton held a press conference on Friday to announce her new MTV show “Paris Hilton’s: My New BFF.” Originally, producers were going to call it “My New BF” so there could be sequels, but then they realized the winner will also be spending eternity in hell.
Dawn Wells, who played Marry Ann on “Gilligan’s Island,” was arrested for possession of marijuana. Wells was only supposed to be in jail for a few hours, but still brought enough clothes to last several years.
Dawn Wells, who played Mary Ann on “Gilligan’s Island,” was arrested for possession of marijuana. The perky castaway was sentenced to six months of community service baking her delicious coconut cream pies.
Britney Spears will have a cameo role in an upcoming episode of the CBS sitcom “How I Met Your Mother”. Spears plans to follow-up the appearance with a role on CBS’ “The Big Bang Theory” where she’ll play a giant black hole.
Britney Spears will have a cameo role in an upcoming episode of the CBS sitcom “How I Met Your Mother.” Meanwhile, Jamie-Lynn Spears will star in the sitcom “How I Became a Teenage Mother.”
Britney Spears will have a cameo role in an upcoming episode of the CBS sitcom “How I Met Your Mother.” Britney will also appear on a spin-off of “Lost” called “Lost … Custody of My Children.”
Britney Spears says she is “having a blast” while filming her cameo on “How I Met Your Mother”. Spears says she’s having so much fun that she hopes to become a mother herself someday.
Janet Jackson canceled her scheduled appearance on last night’s “Saturday Night Live” due to a bout with the flu. Making matters worse for Jackson, her nipple is currently battling pneumonia.
David Hernandez, the American Idol finalist who caused a scandal with the revelation of his prior employment as a stripper in a gay nightclub, was voted off the Fox talent competition this week. Although Hernandez will not be this season’s Idol, he is the frontrunner to win next year’s Oscar for Best Original Screenplay.
Last week in Maine, Grey’s Anatomy star Patrick Dempsey dedicated the opening of The Patrick Dempsey Center for Cancer Hope and Healing. Patients can expect the best care and attention…if the medical students have time between their romantic flings.
The CW is in talks about launching an updated version of the ’90s hit show Beverly Hills 90210. In casting the new series, the network is already in talks with several thirty-five-year old actors.
ABC has announced that Snoop Dogg will remix the theme for “One Life To Live” when the rapper makes a two-episode guest appearance on the soap in May. Not to be outdone, CBS has announced that it is renaming its top-rated daytime drama “The Yizzle and the Rizzle.”
Lisa Marie Presley is suing a British paper for falsely claiming her recent weight gain was caused by an unhealthy appetite instead of her being pregnant. She is also suing the paper for falsely claiming she has talent.
Lisa Marie Presley is suing a British paper for falsely claiming her recent weight gain was caused by an unhealthy appetite instead of her being pregnant. Doctors confirmed to Presley that people do not get pregnant from eating babies.
“Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows”, the final book of the popular series, will be split into two parts for the film adaptation. Filmmakers hope this will give adult Harry Potter fans twice the opportunity to realize how depressing their lives have become.
“Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows”, the final book of the popular series, will be split into two parts for the film adaptation. Filmmakers hope this will give adult Harry Potter fans twice the opportunity to grow up.
“Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows”, the final book of the popular series, will be split into two parts for the film adaptation. “Potter” star Daniel Radcliffe says he’s very excited to film the final chapter of the boy wizard’s story, which is expected to wrap production on the actor’s 47th birthday.
Michael Jackson refinanced his famed Neverland Ranch, saving it from public auction. Jackson celebrated by filling the pool with Jesus Juice and taking some Cub Scouts for a ride on his Big Dipper.
Billy Crystal signed a one day contract with the Yankees for an exhibition game this week. Though the batting order is still to be set, Crystal is looking forward to his first hit since “City Slickers.”
Billy Crystal signed a one day contract with the Yankees for an exhibition game this week. Sports fans haven’t seen anything this wacky since George Plimpton did… the same thing… on multiple occasions…
Billy Crystal signed a one day contract with the Yankees for an exhibition game this week. The best part will be when a woman in the stands fakes an orgasm and Rob Reiner’s mom says “I’ll have what she’s having”.
The New York Yankees signed Billy Crystal to a one-day minor league contract so the comedian could play in a spring training game. All fans in attendance received a commemorative Get a Desperate Celebrity in the News baseball cap.
The New York Yankees signed Billy Crystal to a one-day minor league contract so the comedian could play in a spring training game. The move increased ticket sales that day, but only at other sporting events.
British courts will award Heather Mills approximately $50 Million in her divorce settlement from former Beatle Paul McCartney. Mills is thrilled that her gold digging paid off since her legal fees cost her an arm and a prostetic leg.
British courts will award Heather Mills approximately $50 Million in her divorce settlement from Paul McCartney. The former Beatle agreed to pay the large sum by vacuuming under his couch cushions.
British courts will award Heather Mills approximately $50 Million in her divorce settlement from Paul McCartney. The settlement comes out to roughly 10 million per toe.
Showtime has renewed the drama “The L Word” for a sixth and final season. For those unfamiliar with the show, the “L” stands for “lingering on the air three seasons longer than necessary.”
Showtime has renewed the drama “The L Word” for a sixth and final season. The network added that usually after 6 years, women grow out of their lesbian phase.
In response to dwindling reserves in fertility clinics, the Irish initiative “Sperm For Tickets” is offering European sperm donors tickets to any music festival in Europe. Yet to be resolved: the dwindling reserve of ushers who are willing to handle the tickets of these sperm donors.
According to DNA research, nearly all Native Americans can trace part of their ancestry to six women from 20,000 years ago. The women were reportedly huge sluts.
According to DNA research, nearly all Native Americans can trace part of their ancestry to six women from 20,000 years ago. The remaining Native Americans trace their ancestry back to Cher.
A prominent plastic surgeon in Canada has claimed that too much botox use by Nicole Kidman has given her a “bat face.” A tabloid reporter for TMZ also pointed out that we never see Kidman and millionaire Bruce Wayne in the same room together.
A prominent plastic surgeon in Canada has claimed that too much botox use by Nicole Kidman has has made her face look like that of a bat. Coincidentally, too much plastic surgery has made former Knots Landing star Joan Van Ark look like The Toxic Avenger.
A prominent plastic surgeon in Canada has claimed that too much botox use by Nicole Kidman has has made her face look like that of a bat. Coincidentally, too much plastic surgery has made former Knots Landing star Joan Van Ark look like Iggy Pop.
Scientists have developed a tiny computer that mimics the workings of the human brain. Scientists then put the computer in a blender to mimic the workings of Britney Spears’ brain.
Virginia has passed a law making it illegal to French kiss someone under age 13. In addition, it is also illegal in Virginia to French kiss someone who is not your relative.
Due to a knee injury, Miami Heat star Dwyane Wade will miss the remainder of the season. Also missing the remainder of the team’s season: wins.
Due to a knee injury, Miami Heat star Dwyane Wade will miss the remainder of the NBA season. Also skipping the rest of the year: Miami Heat fans.
Authorities are considering charges in the bizarre case of a woman who sat on her boyfriend’s toilet for two years. The woman is expected to go to rehab to help her stay off the pot.
Authorities are considering charges in the bizarre case of a woman who sat on her boyfriend’s toilet for two years. The man finally called the police after getting tired of putting up with her crap.
Authorities are considering charges in the bizarre case of a woman who sat on her boyfriend’s toilet for two years. Police initially ignored the woman’s complaints, believing that she was full of crap.
Authorities are considering charges in the bizarre case of a woman who sat on her boyfriend’s toilet for two years. The woman has apologized, noting that The Brothers Karamazov is a really long book.
Authorities are considering charges in the bizarre case of a woman who sat on her boyfriend’s toilet for two years. The woman has since vowed to never eat at Taco Bell again.
Authorities are considering charges in the bizarre case of a woman who sat on her boyfriend’s toilet for two years. The woman said she really didn’t need to go that long, she just hates it when her boyfriend leaves the seat up.
Authorities are considering charges in the bizarre case of a woman who sat on her boyfriend’s toilet for two years. The boyfriend could face jail time for really gross negligence.
Researchers say that brain-wave monitors are ineffective at preventing patients from waking up during surgery. Experts say the best way to make sure patients stay asleep is by putting on “Last Call with Carson Daly.”
The Center for Disease Control repprted that the U.S. syphillis rate rose for the seventh straight year in 2007. The increase was driven by a surge in cases among homosexual men, bisexual men, and U.S. Governors.
The Center for Disease Control reported that the U.S. syphillis rate rose for the seventh straight year in 2007. So congratulations, Kevin Federline – mission accomplished!
The Center for Disease Control reported that the U.S. syphillis rate rose for the seventh straight year in 2007. Epidemiologists attributed the surge to unsafe sexual practices like not using condoms, and a time traveling Ben Franklin.
A man was found dead Tuesday on a Lancaster, California city street with an arrow through his chest. Police are currently questioning all nearsighted descendants of William Tell.
A man was found dead Tuesday on a Lancaster, California city street with an arrow through his chest. According to eyewitnesses, an argument started after the victim was accused of trying to hit on a woman named Zelda.
A man was found dead Tuesday on a Lancaster, California city street with an arrow through his chest. Detectives are currently on the lookout for 4-foot-tall elf wearing a green outfit and carrying a few pieces of the Triforce.
A man was found dead Tuesday on a Lancaster, California city street with an arrow through his chest. Police have narrowed the suspects to Cupid, Robin Hood, and that Indian who cried at litter.
A man was found dead Tuesday on a Lancaster, California city street with an arrow through his chest. Witnesses report that moments before the victim died, he found true love.
A 10-year-old Arizona boy suffered minor injuries after being attacked by a rabid female mountain lion on Saturday. It’s the most surprising attack by a cougar since Demi Moore asked out Ashton Kutcher.
In Connecticut, an 8th grade honors student was stripped of his title as class vice president and suspended for a day from school after buying a bag of Skittles from a classmate. The school gave him the punishment after the student allegedly emptied the bag in his pants and asked female classmates to “taste the rainbow.”
An appeals court in Oklahoma City has ruled that a man who took photographs underneath the skirt of an unsuspecting 16-year-old girl did not commit a crime. Critics believe other Peeping Toms will use this ruling to open up a Pandora’s Box, and then photograph it.
According to a new study, people are more likely to develop Alzheimer’s if both of their parents also had the disease. Luckily, those most at risk won’t be able to remember this study.
According to a new study, people are more likely to develop Alzheimer’s if both of their parents also had the disease. Luckily, those most at risk won’t be able to remember their parents.
A recent study has revealed at least one in four teenage girls has a sexually transmitted disease. The remaining three girls have never had shows on Nickelodeon.
A new study concludes that more than one in four U.S. teen girls is infected with at least one sexually transmitted disease. Doctors are calling the phenomenon “R. Kelly syndrome.”
And finally, Lazare Ponticelli, France’s last surviving World War I veteran died on Wednesday at the age of 110. Doctors tried to keep Lazare alive until he turned 111, but Lazare surrendered.
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Sunday, March 16, 2008 at 11:57 pm
A ST. PATRICK’S DAY CELEBRATORY MESSAGE FROM PEARL RIVER, NY
Quiet Rockland today makes this statement in support of the pending investigation of Southwest Airlines and FAA actions, conducted by the United States Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI):
As in the film ‘Moonstruck’, it is as if Cher just slapped FAA Acting Administrator ‘Bobby’ Sturgell in the face twice, hard, and said ‘Snap Out Of It!’. The arrogance and lawlessness of the current FAA regime is now coming to an end. The FAA house of cards is collapsing. On Sunday night March 9, Quiet Rockland called for a criminal investigation of Southwest Airlines and the FAA, as well as a nationwide boycott of Southwest. One night later (please see below), the media reported that the FBI has commenced a criminal investigation of retaliation and threats made by aeromercantile thugs against airplane safety inspector whistleblowers. Quiet Rockland thanks the FBI for commencing the investigation, and will give the FBI every bit of assistance, support, and cooperation if and as ever asked.
Quiet Rockland notes that this criminal investigation’s trail may not only lead to the senior-most levels of FAA management but perhaps also point to FAA Acting Administrator Robert A. “Bobby” Sturgell himself. Even if not, the FBI-investigated FAA and Southwest misconduct occurred under Sturgell’s watch. “Bobby” Sturgell is the DelMarVa son of the late J. Edgar Hoover’s former personal secretary Barbara Sturgell. See:
http://www.bayweekly.com/year99/issue7_22/lead7_22.html
http://www.TheHappyHarbor.com
If ANY American ever suggests that FBI’s or USDOJ’s actions are politically-initiated, or anything less than objective and protective of the welfare of American citizens, one need only cite the Southwest-FAA-Sturgell-Hoover pathway to prove how wrong any such skeptic would be. On this St. Patrick’s Day, every American, Irish-American or otherwise, owes a debt of gratitude to the FBI for taking a dramatic further step to keep our skies safe and protect the well-being of those of us on the ground. We look forward to the results of the FBI investigation and the related scheduled April 3, 2008 Congressional hearing at which we expect the aero-perps to be taken down.
Finally, Quiet Rockland also takes this opportunity to ask that all Americans who have ANY further information implicating FAA, Southwest, or any other aeromercantalist in any threats or retaliation against whistleblowers, or in any other unlawful activity, please come forward now to your most-proximate FBI or other law enforcement office. The text of the CBS 11 News (Dallas) March 10, 2008 article appears below.
http://themainbang.typepad.com/blog/2008/03/repeat-after-me.html
http://www.confidentialinformant.org/2008/03/16/fbi-investigates-threat-on-faa-swa-whistleblower/
http://cbs11tv.com/local/Southwest.Airlines.FAA.2.674307.html
Let us begin.