New York Governor Eliot Spitzer resigned Wednesday following revelations that he had been a regular customer of a high-priced prostitution ring. As part of his atonement to wife Silda, the Governor has had all his teeth removed.
With Spitzer’s resignation, New York’s new chief executive is David Paterson, who becomes the nation’s first blind governor. However, Paterson immediately faced his own sex scandal when people discovered how he became blind in the first place.
The Associated Press reports that the brother of Ashley Alexander Dupre, the singer-prostitute at the center of the Spitzer sex scandal, is facing a drug sentence. The sentence is, “I started using drugs when I found out my sister is a hooker.”
On Friday the Reverend Jeremiah Wright left the spiritual advisory committee of Barack Obama’s presidential campaign in light of controversial sermons delivered by the minister. Explained Obama:
“Jeremiah was my pastor
“Was a good friend of mine
“I never did agree with every word he said
“So I’ve asked him to step down from my spiritual advisory committee”
Dr. Jack Kevorkian is planning to run as an independent congressman in Michigan. Analysts believe Kevorkian can win the seat if he runs on a platform of killing the other congressmen.
Next week, Vice President Cheney will travel to the Middle East to participate in peace talks between Israel and the Palestinians. Meanwhile, LA firefighters will attempt to extinguish an arson blaze with gasoline.
Britney Spears will have a cameo role in an upcoming episode of “How I Met Your Mother”. As a result, CBS will be renaming the show, “How I Met Your Terrible Mother.”
The New York Yankees signed Billy Crystal to a one-day minor league contract so the comedian could play in a spring training game. The Yankees also signed Carlos Mencia, because they need someone who can steal bases.
Michael Bay is in talks to direct a remake of the 1968 horror classic “Rosemary’s Baby.” In Bay’s version, instead of being raped by Satan, Rosemary will be raped by explosions.
The CW is in talks about launching an updated version of Beverly Hills 90210. In order to be faithful to the spirit of the original series, the roles of the high school students will be played by members of the original cast.
Dawn Wells, who played Mary Ann on “Gilligan’s Island,” was arrested for possession of marijuana after a sheriff’s deputy pulled her over. Although Wells only planned to be away from home for a few hours, she still brought enough weed to last for several years.
Snoop Dogg will make a two-episode guest appearance on ABC’s “One Life to Live” in May. The network is so pleased with Snoop’s work that they plan to have him star in a brand new soap, “Generizzal Hospitizzal.”
In Kansas, authorities are considering charges against a man whose girlfriend spent two years sitting on the toilet in his bathroom. In his defense, the man noted she’d said she would only be in there for five minutes.
A town in Argentina is living in fear after several sightings of a ‘creepy gnome’ that locals claim stalks the streets at night. Argentinean police hope to apprehend the gnome and send Dennis Kucinich back to Washington.
A Colorado woman was fined $1,000 for coloring her miniature poodle pink in order to raise awareness of breast cancer. Meanwhile, people with breast cancer will be coloring their breasts pink to raise awareness of idiot dog owners.
In England, the parents of a toddler with Down’s syndrome are considering getting the child plastic surgery so she appears more “accepted by society.” The parents say they got the idea after seeing how well it worked out for Paris Hilton.
On Thursday, the Federal Reserve released a new colorized five-dollar bill. Geraldine Ferarro said the bill wouldn’t be where it is today if it was white.
A man was found dead Tuesday on a city street in Lancaster, California with an arrow through his chest. Said the Lancaster police chief: “We have a message for whoever carried out this horrible crime. He was shot through the heart. And you’re to blame. You give Lancaster, California a bad name.”
In response to dwindling reserves in fertility clinics, the Irish initiative “Sperm For Tickets” is offering European sperm donors tickets to any music festival in Europe. Donations are already trickling in.
Researchers say that brain-wave monitors are ineffective at preventing patients from waking up during surgery. Unless you smash the patient over the head with them.
And finally, tomorrow is St. Patrick’s Day, a holiday that people all over the world will celebrate by going to bars, getting incredibly drunk, throwing up on themselves, and wearing green. Amy Winehouse plans to celebrate by wearing green and otherwise having a typical Monday.
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