Big News Report for the Week Ending Sunday, March 23, 2008 – Bonus Jokes!

Saturday, March 22, 2008 in Big News Writers, Highlights, Humor, News, News & Commentary, News In Brief, Quick Takes, The Biz, Writers
Tags: "George Bush", 2001, 2001: A Space Odyssey, 2008 Election, ABBA, Airborne, Airbus, Airbus A380, airlines, Angelina Jolie, Angelyne, Ann Coulter, Anthony Minghella, Arthur C. Clarke, Barack Obama, Bill Richardson, blood pressure, Bret Michaels, Britney Spears, Charlie Sheen, China, Cinerama, Clay Aiken, Coast Guard, Cocaine, Cold Mountain, Converse, Courtney Love, David Paterson, Dodgers, Dodgertown, Donatella Versace, drugs, eBay, Elton John, FAA, FBI, Federal Reserve, Florida, Funkytown, Geraldine Ferraro, Guitar Hero, Guy Ritchie, Halle Berry, Hannah Montana, HGH, Hillary Clinton, hockey, Hollywood, Honorary Mayor of Hollywood, human growth hormone, humpback whales, Iraq, John McCain, K-Fed, Kevin Federline, Kim Cattrall, Kristin Davis, Kurt Cobain, Laura Bush, Los Angeles, lunch, Madonna, Mariah Carey, Marianne Williamson, marriage, Maxim, Meg Whitman, Mel Gibson, Michael Stipe, Michigan, Miley Cyrus, Missouri, Monica Seles, Mormons, myspace, New York, NHL, Nirvana, No Child Left Behind, Ola Brunkert, Olympics, Oscars, Oxygen Network, passports, Pennsylvania, Pete Sampras, Quizno's, REM, Rock of Love, Sacco and Vanzetti, Sandra Bernhardt, Sarah Jessica Parker, Saudi Arabia, Sex and the City, sex tape, Southwest Airlines, Starbucks, steroids, submarines, Suri Cruise, Sweeney Todd, Ted Nugent, The English Patient, The Talented Mr. Ripley, Tibet, Tom Cruise, Tom Waits, Tommy Lasorda, Trader Joe's, Waterloo, whales, wolves

Here’s a treat even better than a Cadbury egg – a bunch of great jokes that we didn’t have room for in this week’s Big News Report! Stop by iO West this Sunday, March 23 at 10 pm to see the ones that did make it in!

More than 11,000 pages of schedules from Hillary Rodham Clinton’s time in the White House were released last week, offering the most comprehensive public record of her tenure as First Lady. In a related story, the Bush administration has announced that it will make public Laura’s record as first lady…all three paragraphs.

More than 11,000 pages of schedules from Hillary Rodham Clinton’s time in the White House were released last week, offering the most comprehensive public record of her tenure as First Lady. The schedule consisted entirely of Clinton waiting for the phone to ring at three in the morning.

Hillary Clinton has doubled her lead in the Pennsylvania primary polls. Her numbers surged after Clinton promised never to visit the state again if people vote for her.

On Friday, New Mexico governor Bill Richardson endorsed Senator Barack Obama for president. To show she has no hard feelings if elected President, Hillary Clinton promised to appoint Richardson as her Secretary of Screwing People Over When They Need You the Most.

Meg Whitman, the outgoing CEO of eBay, has been named the co-chair of John McCain’s presidential campaign. Whitman’s first order of business is to explain to McCain what the Internet is.

This week a State Department scandal exploded when it revealed a subcontractor had illegally accessed passport records of Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton and John McCain. A quick look into President Bush’s passport files showed he hasn’t paid a visit to reality in the past eight years.

The fight over Michigan delegates continues with Obama’s camp offering to split the delegates evenly, while the Clinton campaign wants to let the January results, in which she won running against nobody, stand. Republicans suggested they decide a winner by which one can survive a night in the woods with Ted Nugent.

David Paterson was officially sworn in as New York’s governor on Monday, becoming the state’s first black chief executive. Paterson, who is legally blind, was interrupted at several times during his inaugural address with thunderous applause from the excited legislature, who thought they were at a blues concert.

During his first day in office after replacing Eliot Spitzer, new governor David Patterson admitted to having affairs with several women in the past, including one on the state payroll. When confronted by these women, Patterson proclaimed, “I’ve never seen any of these women before.”

In a bid to take over the seat held by Senator Larry Craig, an independent candidate has legally changed his name to “Pro-Life”. In response, Craig has changed his name to “Pro-Semen.”

In a bid to take over the seat held by Senator Larry Craig, an independent candidate has legally changed his name to “Pro-Life”. In an effort to appease both parties, Craig has stated that he will go both ways.

In a bid to take over the seat held by Senator Larry Craig, an independent candidate has legally changed his name to “Pro-Life”. Craig has criticized the candidate for his “narrow stance.”

In a speech on Wednesday regarding the Iraq war, President Bush said, “The battle in Iraq has been longer and harder than we anticipated.” A new poll reveals that Americans feel the same way about his presidency.

Due to heavy storms and major flooding that have pummeled the midwest, President Bush has declared parts of Missouri a disaster. However the response wasn’t quick enough for Geraldine Ferraro who complained that “George Bush doesn’t care about white people.”

A new study finds that the FBI terrorist watchlist is unreliable and out of date. The FBI denied the report, and redoubled its efforts to find Sacco and Vanzetti.

A new study finds that the FBI terrorist watchlist is unreliable and out of date. FBI agents are no longer advised to keep watch for the Redcoats.

A female suicide bomber attacked a group of Shiite worshippers near a mosque in Karbala, Iraq on Monday, killing at least 32 people and wounding 51. The Bush Administration pointed out that the incident is proof of gender equality in Democratic Iraq.

As punishment for China’s handling of violence in Tibet, calls have mounted for a boycott of the summer Olympic ceremonies in Beijing. The calls are expected flood in ten-fold once the Olympics committee announces this year’s new athletic event: Tibetan Oppressing.

The Coast Guard is reporting that drug runners are using sophisticated submarines to smuggle drugs into the United States from Colombia. The vessels are long, hard, and full of seamen … and cocaine.

The Coast Guard is reporting that drug runners are using sophisticated submarines to smuggle drugs into the United States from Colombia. The drug runners love the subs because they can carry several buttloads of coke.

The Coast Guard is reporting that drug runners are using sophisticated submarines to smuggle drugs into the United States from Colombia. An investigation also revealed that Quizno’s is using toasted subs to smuggle delicious grilled meats.

On Tuesday, Saudi Arabia opened its first ever hotel for women-only. The building was immediately stoned by an angry mob.

On Tuesday, Saudi Arabia opened its first ever hotel for women-only. Unfortunately for the women, the building was a suicide bomber.

On Tuesday, Saudi Arabia opened its first ever hotel for women-only – followed on Wednesday by the greatest Saudi panty raid ever.

Under fire for its handling of missed safety inspections at Southwest Airlines, the Federal Aviation Administration is reviewing the maintenance procedures at all U.S. airlines. The FAA is expected to enforce a new rule that says safety inspectors can’t be drunker than the pilots.

On Tuesday, in order to help the struggling economy, the Federal Reserve slashed interest rates. Meanwhile, employees of the Federal Reserve slashed their wrists.

A San Diego judge has ordered Starbucks Coffee to pay back $100 million to its baristas for gratuities shared by supervisors. The coffee giant says it will appeal the judgment, even at the risk of really bad karma.

Elton John will perform a concert in April to raise money for the campaign of Hillary Clinton. Supporters are looking forward to seeing the union of a prominent, influential gay icon…with classic rock legend Elton John.

Among the nominations coming in for the position of Honorary Mayor of Hollywood is Los Angeles icon Angelyne. Angelyne promises to uphold the honor and dignity of the city…on her boobs.

Among the nominations coming in for the position of Honorary Mayor of Hollywood is Los Angeles icon Angelyne. If she becomes Honorary Mayer, Angelyne’s first act in office will be the establish the Hollywood Rack of Fame.

Among the nominations coming in for the position of Honorary Mayor of Hollywood is Los Angeles icon, Angelyne. Her supporters say she has more experience doing nothing than any of the other candidates.

According to reports out of Britain, the seven-year marriage between Madonna and director Guy Ritchie is possibly headed for a divorce. Sources say the marriage hit a rocky patch after Madonna finally saw one of Ritchie’s movies.

According to reports out of Britain, the seven-year marriage between Madonna and director Guy Ritchie is possibly headed for a divorce. In order to get more money out of the divorce, Guy Ritchie will get a prosthetic leg.

According to reports out of Britain, the seven-year marriage between Madonna and director Guy Ritchie is possibly headed for a divorce. Plans for “Swept Away 2″ have already been scrapped.

According to reports out of Britain, the seven-year marriage between Madonna and director Guy Ritchie is possibly headed for a divorce. The two should split amicably, but Madonna is prepared to fight for full custody of her English accent.

According to reports out of Britain, the seven-year marriage between Madonna and director Guy Ritchie is possibly headed for a divorce. The problems began when Madonna realized she no longer feels like a virgin, touched for the very first time.

According to reports out of Britain, the seven-year marriage between Madonna and director Guy Ritchie is possibly headed for a divorce. Madonna reportedly told friends that no man has ever loved her quite like Sandra Bernhardt.

According to reports out of Britain, the seven-year marriage between Madonna and director Guy Ritchie is possibly headed for a divorce. Sources say Madonna feels Guy Ritchie is not British enough for her.

Hannah Montana star Miley Cyrus filed papers to legally change her name. The pop star will now be known as Miley Cougar Cyrus.

Hannah Montana star Miley Cyrus legally changed her name from Destiny Hope Cyrus, her given name, to the more recognizable Miley Cyrus last week. Cyrus reportedly chose to legally change her name in order to further confuse 10-year-olds.

Fifteen-year-old pop star Miley Cyrus has legally changed her name to “Miley Cyrus,” instead of given name of Destiny Hope Cyrus. This contradicts an earlier report that she was legally changing her name to “Off Limits for Three More Years” Cyrus.

Fifteen-year-old pop star Miley Cyrus has legally changed her name to “Miley Cyrus,” instead of her given name of Destiny Hope Cyrus. Cyrus plans to change her name back ten years from now when she becomes a stripper.

A representative for “Sex and the City” star Kristin Davis denied reports that she was the woman seen in a sex tape leaked last week on the Internet. However the penis in the sex tape definitely belonged to Kim Cattrall.

A representative for “Sex and the City” star Kristin Davis denied reports that she was the woman seen in a sex tape leaked last week on the Internet. While Davis denies being in the sex tape, she admits being in the City Tape.

Britney Spears has been ordered to pay $375,000 to cover Kevin Federline’s attorney fees. K-Fed’s attorney fees are so high because, in addition to the child custody case, he is also being sued by the three people who purchased his rap album.

TMZ.com reported last week that Mel Gibson has befriended Britney Spears, hoping to help her through her tough times. Gibson has also befriended her so that he’s no longer the craziest person in the room.

TMZ.com reported last week that Mel Gibson has befriended Britney Spears, hoping to help her through her tough times. Gibson was reportedly worried Spears might commit suicide, officially making him the craziest person in the world.

TMZ.com reported last week that Mel Gibson has befriended Britney Spears, hoping to help her through her tough times. In an outpouring of goodwill, Charlie Sheen offered to help her find her underwear.

On Wednesday, a man was found dead on a property owned by Mel Gibson in what appears to have been a suicide. Despite seeing clearcut evidence of the dead body, Gibson still believes it’s a myth concocted to create sympathy for the man’s family.

In an exclusive interview with Spin magazine, R.E.M. frontman Michael Stipe announced that he was gay. The announcement came as a shock to his fans, who assumed from his lyrics that he was unhappy.

In an exclusive interview with Spin magazine, R.E.M. frontman Michael Stipe announced that he was gay. He added that he had actually disclosed his sexuality twenty years ago in the band’s hit song, “It’s the End of the Word As We Know It…and I Feel Fabulous.”

A poll in Maxim magazine has awarded Sex in the City star Sarah Jessica Parker the title of “Unsexiest Woman Alive.” Apparently, Maxim hasn’t seen the sex tape of Kristin Davis.

A poll in Maxim magazine has awarded Sex in the City star Sarah Jessica Parker the title of “Unsexiest Woman Alive.” Coming in a close second place: Clay Aiken.

Fashion designer Donatella Versace told People magazine that she has seen Halle Berry’s newborn daughter and that she “cannot imagine a better looking baby.” An angry Tom Cruise immediately scheduled more plastic surgery for his daughter Suri.

Converse has announced it will create a commemorative line of shoes that will feature the late Kurt Cobain’s autograph, artwork and writings. Rock critics pointed out that when Kurt Cobain sang “Rape Me”, he didn’t mean that they should do it to his corpse.

Converse has announced it will create a commemorative line of shoes that will feature the late Kurt Cobain’s autograph, artwork and writings. Proceeds from the sale of the shoes will be used to destroy the artwork and writings of Courtney Love.

Converse has announced it will create a commemorative line of shoes that will feature the late Kurt Cobain’s autograph, artwork and writings. Also, Courtney Love’s autograph, artwork and writings will be featured on a line of crack pipes.

Converse has announced a commemorative line of shoes that will feature Kurt Cobain’s autograph, artwork and writings. In response, indoor basketball courts have changed their “No Street Shoes” sign to “No Heroin.”

Converse has announced a commemorative line of shoes that will feature Kurt Cobain’s autograph, artwork and writings. Plus a little clicker in the shoe’s sole tells Courtney Love how much money she makes everytime you take a step.

Converse has announced it will create a commemorative line of shoes that will feature the late Kurt Cobain’s autograph, artwork and writings. Converse got the rights by outbidding Nike, who thought Cobain best exemplified their slogan, “Just Do It.”

Converse has announced it will create a commemorative line of shoes that will feature the late Kurt Cobain’s autograph, artwork and writings. In other news, Forest Lawn Funeral Home has announced a new line of coffins that will prevent celebrity corpses from spinning in their graves.

Converse brand footwear announced this week a commemorative Kurt Cobain tennis shoe, modeled after the very same sneaker pictured in Nirvana singer’s famous suicide photo. The shoe company announced that the single star design would be made in a sweatshop and worn by idiots.

Ola Brunkert, drummer for the Swedish pop group ABBA, died last week after an accident at his home in Spain. As a tribute, transvestites around the world have decided to unfurl their tuck-unders at half-mast.

Former ABBA drummer, Ola Brunkert, was found dead on Monday with a slit throat from an apparant window accident. As a tribute to this tragic death, Broadway producers have already started to develop a play based on the accident. “Mamma Mia: The Demon Barber of Sweden”

Former tennis great Monica Seles announced this week that she is starting work on a memoir to be published in 2009. Pete Sampras has also begun writing his memoir, but his own life is so boring he keeps falling asleep while writing about it.

Former ABBA drummer, Ola Brunkert, was found dead on Monday with a slit throat after falling through some glass. Apparently, the back window of his house was Brunkhert’s Waterloo.

On Tuesday, the Airbus A380 became the world’s largest aircraft to complete a commercial flight in Europe. It then became the largest aircraft to wait on the tarmac for three hours.

On Tuesday, the Airbus A380 became the world’s largest aircraft to complete a commercial flight in Europe. It also had the first in-flight movie to be presented in Cinerama.

A Florida public school is investigating claims that a teacher forced her student to use his lunchbox as a toilet in front of his class. However, the soiled lunchbox still contained better food than the school’s cafeteria.

A Florida public school is investigating claims that a teacher forced her student to use his lunchbox as a toilet in front of his class. In related news, President Bush has again cut federal funding of school lunches by declaring urine a vegetable.

A Florida public school is investigating claims that a teacher forced her student to use his lunchbox as a toilet in front of his class. In the teacher’s defense, it was a Hannah Montana lunchbox.

Amateur hockey has adopted a new zero-tolerance policy on swearing, referee abuse and fighting. Experts hope that the policy will carry over to the NHL so that one day professional hockey will be restored to its former glory…on the Oxygen Network.

Tommy Lasorda made an appearance at what might be the last pre-season game at Dodgertown, the site of the Dodgers’ spring training for the last 60 years. The Dodgers will most likely leave Dodgertown next year for a new Arizona based facility called Funkytown.

Tommy Lasorda made an appearance at what might be the last pre-season game at Dodgertown, the site of the Dodgers’ spring training for the last sixty years. In order to improve the team’s chances, the Dodgers will now be training in Steroidtown.

Spiritual leader Marianne Williamson has claimed her support for Barack Obama, and claims she will not be “voting with her vagina.” Ann Coulter, however, confirmed she will still be voting with her penis.

New data shows the inefficiency of the “No Child Left Behind” program as administrators hide severe high school drop out rates. Advocates of the program however point out that said dropouts have more MySpace hits and higher than average scores on Guitar Hero.

A new analysis of Human Growth Hormone shows that using the substance may not enhance athletic performance as it was previously believed to do. Despite the news, many athletes continue to take HGH to help them lie under oath faster.

New data shows that using Human Growth Hormone may not enhance athletic performance as it was previously believed to do. Professional athletes, however, will continue taking HGH to help them lie under oath faster and with greater agility.

New data shows that using Human Growth Hormone may not enhance athletic performance as it was previously believed to do. In response, Trader Joe’s will be removing all the Airborne: HGH off it’s shelves.

Researchers have shown for the first time that humpback whale calves make sounds. The grunts and squeals the calves make are messages to their mother that annoy all the other whales around them.

A study at Brigham Young University suggests that a happy marriage is good for your blood pressure, but a stressed one can lead to heart disease. In another study, it was discovered that a happy childhood is good for your self esteem, while a bad one can lead to appearing on “Rock of Love” with Bret Michaels.

A study at Brigham Young University suggests that a happy marriage is good for your blood pressure, but a stressed one can lead to heart disease. The study supports the old Mormon adage, “A marriage a day keeps the doctor away.”

A Norwegian hospital is equipping newborn babies with anti-theft alarms. When told the news, Angelina Jolie canceled her trip to Norway.

A Norwegian hospital is equipping newborn babies with anti-theft alarms. Next they plan to turn the soft spot on an infant’s head into a cup holder.

A Norwegian hospital is equipping newborn babies with anti-theft alarms. Because apparently the crying isn’t annoying enough.

Scientists have developed a speaker-recorder system of wolf howls nearly indistinguishable from the real thing to help researchers track the elusive animal. Scientists perfected the technology after working on the latest Mariah Carey album.

Scientists have developed a speaker-recorder system of wolf howls nearly indistinguishable from the real thing to help researchers track the elusive animal. The device is already being protested by feminist groups as sexual harassment.

Scientists have developed a speaker-recorder system of wolf howls nearly indistinguishable from the real thing to help researchers track the elusive animal. The sounds were simulated by having sexy women walk past construction sites.

Scientists have developed a speaker-recorder system of wolf howls nearly indistinguishable from the real thing to help researchers track the elusive animal. The initial research was headed up by Dr. Tom Waits.

British film director Anthony Minghella, whose credits include “The English Patient”, “Cold Mountain” and “The Talented Mr. Ripley” died Tuesday at the age of 54. Critics are already saying it was four years too long.

Oscar-winning British film director Anthony Minghella, whose credits include “The English Patient”, “Cold Mountain” and “The Talented Mr. Ripley” died Tuesday at the age of 54. Like his films, Minghella’s death was long, painful, overdramatic and full of awkward foreign accents.

Arthur C. Clarke, the science-fiction author best known to his novel “2001: A Space Odyssey”, died last week at the age of 90. According to his wishes, Clarke’s remains will be sent into the past, where prehistoric ape-men will use his bones to club one another to death.

Arthur C. Clarke, the science-fiction author best known to his novel “2001: A Space Odyssey”, died last week at the age of 90. Many people found his death hard to understand.

Arthur C. Clarke, the science-fiction author best known to his novel “2001: A Space Odyssey”, died last week at the age of 90. Clarke will be buried in a mysterious black rectangle and dug up 100 years from now to confuse an entirely new audience.

Arthur C. Clarke, the science-fiction author best known for his novel “2001: A Space Odyssey”, died last week at the age of 90. Clarke’s only regret was that he lived to see the actual year 2001 was really lame, although we did have a space cadet for a president.

Arthur C. Clarke, science-fiction author best known to his novel “2001: A Space Odyssey”, died last week at the age of 90. A magical monolith is being constructed in his memory, inscribed with his final words: “See you next wednesday…or not”.