Big News Report for the Week Ending Sunday, March 23, 2008

Monday, March 24, 2008 in Big News Writers, Highlights, Humor, News, News & Commentary, News In Brief, Quick Takes, The Biz, Writers
Tags: "George Bush", 2008 Election, Anthony Minghella, Ashley Alexander Dupre, Barack Obama, basketball, Bosom Buddies, China, Cold Mountain, Converse, Dalai Lama, Dick Cheney, Dukes of Hazzard, Eliot Spitzer, figure skating, Georgia, Girls Gone Wild, Guy Ritchie, HGH, Hillary Clinton, hockey, human growth hormone, humpback whales, Iran, Iraq, John McCain, Larry Craig, Madonna, Marianne Williamson, Maxim, Mel Gibson, Michael Stipe, NATO, Nickelback, Olympics, Peter Scolari, Philadelphia, religion, REM, Sarah Jessica Parker, Saudi Arabia, Sex and the City, Spin Magazine, Summer Olympics, The English Patient, The Talented Mr. Ripley, Tibet, tom hanks, whales, wolf cries, wolves

In a follow-up to his speech on racial issues, Barack Obama told a Philadelphia radio station Thursday that his grandmother was a “typical white person.”. Obama added that he loves his grandmother even though she listens to Nickelback and can’t dunk a basketball.

More than 11,000 pages of schedules from Hillary Clinton’s tenure as first lady were released last week. Eight thousand of those pages were devoted exclusively to her crying in bed.

John McCain made a gaffe in a speech Tuesday by saying that Iran is training al-Qaeda to fight in Iraq, when Iran is actually training a different group of extremists. McClain excused his misstatement by noting that the United States should be fighting the real enemy – those darn kids who won’t stay off his lawn.

As China heightens its crackdown on protests in Tibet, calls have mounted for a boycott of the Summer Olympic Games in Beijing. The calls are expected to increase with the Olympic Committee’s announcement this week of a new event: Dalai Lama Hunting.

In a bid to take over the seat held by Senator Larry Craig, an independent candidate has legally changed his name to “Pro-Life”. In response, Craig has changed his name to “Pro-Glory Hole.”

On Wednesday President Bush expressed his support for the former Soviet republic of Georgia’s bid to join NATO. Bush set one condition on NATO membership: that Georgia stop goin’ after them Duke Boys.

Dick Cheney visited Iraq this week to promote peace in the Middle East and mark the war’s fifth anniversary. There were some concerns about being so close to that much hostility, but Iraq let Cheney into the country anyway.

It was revealed this week that Ashley Alexandra Dupre, the escort whose clients included former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, was filmed nude for “Girls Gone Wild” in 2003. Dupre hopes that her story can serve as an inspiration to other “Girls Gone Wild” that they too can move beyond the mistakes in their past and grow up to get paid to have sex with a governor.

Madonna and Guy Ritchie may be headed for divorce after seven years of marriage. Ritchie began to consider ending the marriage after he discovered Madonna was not really British.

A poll in Maxim magazine has awarded Sarah Jessica Parker the title of “Unsexiest Woman Alive.” In happier news for the “Sex and the City” star, for the sixth year in a row she was voted “Sexiest Non-Horse Alive” by Equestrian Monthly.

Converse has announced plans to create a commemorative line of shoes that will feature Kurt Cobain’s autograph, artwork and writings. The shoes will be specially designed for dancing on Cobain’s grave.

R.E.M. frontman Michael Stipe announced to Spin Magazine that he is gay. The interview will be published as part of their cover story, “Breaking News of 1996.”

On Wednesday a man was found dead of an apparent suicide on property owned by Mel Gibson. Gibson was reportedly upset over the tragedy, until he found out the man was Jewish.

On Tuesday, Saudi Arabia opened its first ever hotel for women only. The hotel was running smoothly until they welcomed new residents Tom Hanks and Peter Scolari.

Spiritual activist Marianne Williamson has announced her support for Barack Obama, claiming she will not be “voting with her vagina.” Williamson’s statement comes as a huge disappointment to voting machines everywhere.

A new analysis of Human Growth Hormone shows that using the substance may not actually enhance athletic performance. Unless you’re playing a sport where it helps to have extremely tiny testicles.

New research released last week shows that people who believe in God are happier with their lives than agnostics or atheists. Atheists don’t believe the study, while agnostics are waiting to see more evidence.

Scientists have developed a speaker-recorder system of wolf cries nearly indistinguishable from the real thing. Added one of the scientists: “I know we’ve told you before that we’d created simulated wolf cries. But this time, it’s really true! Why don’t you believe us?!!!!!”

Researchers have shown for the first time that humpback whale calves make sounds. But only when you’re stabbing them with harpoons.

Amateur hockey has adopted a new zero-tolerance policy on swearing, referee abuse and fighting. In an effort to reflect these changes, hockey has changed its name to figure skating.

And finally, Anthony Minghella, the Oscar-winning director whose films include “The English Patient”, “Cold Mountain” and “The Talented Mr. Ripley” died Tuesday at the age of 54. Minghella passed away suddenly after a marathon of his own films bored him to death.