Big News Report for the Week Ending Sunday, April 13, 2008

Monday, April 14, 2008 in Big News Writers, Editorial, Highlights, Humor, News, News & Commentary, News In Brief, Quick Takes, The Biz
Tags: "The Supreme Court of Comedy", 'N Sync, 2008 Election, 90210, Abu Ubaida al Masri, al-Qaeda, Archaeology, Australia, Barry Bonds, Beverly Hills 90210, Blame It on the Rain, Capitol Building, Colombia, Columbia Record Club, eBay, Estella Aaron, free trade, Hank Aaron, Hepatitis C, Hillary Clinton, Ice Ice Baby, India, Indiana, Iraq, Joey Fatone, John Leguizamo, John McCain, Laugh Factory, London, Luciano Pavarotti, Luke Perry, Melanie Brown, Milli Vanilli, Nancy Pelosi, Pamela Anderson, Paul Hogan, Rebecca Gayheart, Rosie Perez, Scary Spice, Sinbad, social security, Spice Girls, Stanley Kamel, steroids, TLC, Toni Braxton, two faced baby, Unbreak My Heart, unemployment, Vanilla Ice

In defiance of the Bush Administration, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said Wednesday that Congress will not vote this year on a free-trade agreement with Colombia. In response, Colombia changed their offer to include any 12 CDs or cassettes for only a penny.

John McCain will reportedly become the first presidential candidate to accept public financing in the 2008 election. That money will be in addition to the public financing McCain already receives from social security.

On Friday, a fire destroyed one of Hillary Clinton’s campaign offices in western Indiana. One area resident tried calling Senator Clinton’s office at 3 a.m. to report the fire, but nobody answered.

According to the U.S. Commerce Department, unemployment claims dropped sharply in the past week. However, experts say the figures may be inaccurate, since the guy who usually counts unemployment claims was recently fired.

According to congressional investigators, stolen U.S. military equipment, including fighter jet parts and bio nuclear gear, was put up for auction on eBay. Congress plans to retaliate by rating the seller of this equipment as “poor.”

John McCain said on Monday that Iraq is no longer an “abyss of defeat.” McCain explained that Iraq has been upgraded to “an abyss of never, ever achieving victory.”

Abu Ubaida al Masri, suspected of planning the London transportation bombings that killed 52 people, is believed to have died of hepatitis C. As a result, senior Al Qaeda leaders have issued a Fatwa against having sex with Pamela Anderson.

Joey Fatone of ‘N Sync and Melanie Brown of the Spice Girls are co-hosting a new series on TLC. The show is called, “Hey, Remember 1998?”

It was revealed this week that opera legend Luciano Pavarotti, in severe pain months before his cancer diagnosis, lip-synched his final performance. Spectators became suspicious when Pavarotti opened the performance with Milli Vanilli’s “Blame It On the Rain.”

Rosie Perez told reporters that shooting a sex scene with John Leguizamo for their new movie was extremely awkward because they’re such good friends. The most awkward part was when Leguizamo’s ears wouldn’t stop bleeding every time Perez talked.

Vanilla Ice was arrested on Friday for charges of domestic battery. In his defense, the rapper claims his wife refused to stop, collaborate and listen.

Stanley Kamel, who played Rebecca Gayheart’s murderous father on Beverly Hills 90210, died Tuesday at age 65. Kamel’s passing means that the oldest surviving member of the 90210 cast is now 64-year-old Luke Perry.

Grammy Award winning R&B singer Toni Braxton was admitted to a Las Vegas hospital last week amid speculations that she suffered a heart attack. No word yet on whether doctors were able to heed Braxton’s request to un-break her heart.

The Laugh Factory has started a TV show called “The Supreme Court of Comedy,” in which people with small claims disputes use comedians as lawyers. In his first case, judge Sinbad will attempt to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that black people have big butts, and white people have skinny butts.

Archaeologists in Australia have unearthed tools dating back 35,000 years. Before the discovery, the oldest tool in Australia was Paul Hogan.

After responding to a complaint last week, Animal Services authorities on the East Coast found a woman living with hundreds of rats and snakes inside her home. As a result, the woman will be evicted from the Capitol Building.

It was revealed this week that a baby girl in India was born with two faces. Experts predict that the girl will have a bright future as the world’s greatest ventriloquist.

And finally, Estella Aaron, mother of baseball Hall of Famer Hank Aaron, died Tuesday at the age of 96. In response, Barry Bonds’ mother is now taking steroids in order to live until the age of 97.