Big News Report for the Week Ending Sunday, April 20, 2008 – Bonus Jokes!

Saturday, April 19, 2008 in Big News Writers, Editorial, Highlights, Humor, News, News & Commentary, News In Brief, Quick Takes, The Biz
Tags: "George Bush", 2008 Election, ABC, Acme World Oyster Eating Contest, Ashton Kutcher, Barack Obama, bird flu, black hole, Black Panthers, Blade, blue crabs, Bobby Clampett, botox, breast cancer, Britney Spears, Bruce Springsteen, butterfly effect, California, CBS, CHAOS, chaos theory, Chesapeake Bay, Chicago, Cindy McCain, Cleveland Zoo, CNN, CONTROL, cougars, debate, divorce, Donald Rumsfeld, earthquakes, Edward Lorenz, Electronic Arts, Emeril, Esquire, Food Network, France, Get Smart, golf, Grand Theft Auto 4, herpes, Hillary Clinton, Houston Astros, Hum, Iraq, Jessica Seinfeld, John F. Kennedy, John McCain, John Wheeler, Katie Couric, Les Moonves, Liang Wen-Chong, Lindsay Lohan, marijuana, Marilyn Monroe, Martha Stewart, Maryland, Masters, Maxwell Smart, Miguel Tejada, MILFs, Minnesota, New Orleans, Norbit, ohio, Orson Welles, out-of-wedlock births, oysters, papal visit, Paw Paw, Pinks Hot Dogs, Pope Benedict, pork plants, Posh Spice, press shield law, Red Bull, Richard Quest, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., San Andreas fault, SARS, sex tape, sexually transmitted diseases, STDs, surgery, The Sims, turtles, Twisted Sister, US Airways, Victoria Beckham, Vietnam, Virginia, Wesley Snipes, Wilmer Valderrama, Yemen, Zapruder

Just like the extra icing left over in a cake box after the cake has been served, here’s a delicious helping of jokes we just couldn’t fit into this week’s Big News show! If what we’re serving up here is this tasty – why not stop by iO West Sunday night at 10 to see the sweet stuff that made it into the show!

After Pope Benedict spoke at the White House on Wednesday, President Bush told him, quote, “Thank you, your holiness, awesome speech.” The president then gave the pontiff a high five and tossed him a Red Bull.

A new poll shows that 80 percent of American Catholics have been pleased with the leadership of Pope Benedict XVI. The poll also shows that 80 percent of Catholic priests have been pleased by altar boys.

A new poll shows that 80 percent of American Catholics have been pleased with the leadership of Pope Benedict XVI. The other 20 percent wish the pope wore funnier hats.

Pope Benedict acknowledged on Thursday that the pedophile scandal caused “indescribable pain and harm” to victims but asked Catholics to love their priests. In turn, Catholics asked that pastors remember to use plenty of Vaseline.

Over ten million viewers tuned into ABC’s Democratic debate on Wednesday between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, making it the most-watched debate of the primary election season. After listening to the debate, ten million voters pledged to support John McCain.

Over ten million viewers tuned into ABC’s Democratic debate on Wednesday between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, making it the most-watched debate of the primary election season. Another record was set halfway through the debate when ten million people fell asleep.

Over ten million viewers tuned into ABC’s Democratic debate on Wednesday between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, making it the most-watched debate of the primary election season. Another record was set halfway through the debate when ten million simultaneously changed the channel.

Critics panned Wednesday night’s Democratic debate on ABC for its lack of substance. Barack Obama agreed, claiming the debate was the biggest waste of his time since he watched the first half of Norbit.

This week Bruce Springsteen announced his endorsement for Barack Obama. To commemorate the endorsement, Springsteen’s next album will be titled “The Wild, the Innocent and the K Street Shuffle.”

In an interview this week, Barack Obama said that as president, he would “immediately review” potential crimes of the Bush administration. Chief among the proposed crimes to be investigated: the entire Bush administration.

On Monday, John McCain announced his support for a press shield law which protects journalists from revealing confidential sources. Especially ones that have him running even with the Democratic candidates.

It was revealed on Tuesday that some of the “McCain Family Recipes” posted on John McCain’s official presidential Web site and attributed to his wife, Cindy were copied word-for-word from the Food Network Web site. People became suspicious when the recipes required the cook to throw in spices and endlessly yell “Bam!”

It was revealed on Tuesday that some of Cindy McCain’s recipes — posted on John McCain’s official web site — were exact copies of ones found on Food Network.com. Recipes that stood out as Cindy McCain originals were “Vicodin Tarts” and “Percocets Marinated in White Wine Sauce.”

It was revealed on Tuesday that some of Cindy McCain’s recipes — posted on John McCain’s official web site — were exact copies of ones found on Food Network.com. The news turned out to be false, since John McCain doesn’t own a computer.

It was revealed on Tuesday that some of Cindy McCain’s recipes — posted on John McCain’s official web site — were exact copies of ones found on Food Network.com. Mrs. McCain denied the claim, insisting that she plagiarized the recipes from Jessica Seinfeld.

On Monday Iraqi troops rescued a CBS correspondent who had been kidnapped in Basra two months ago. The journalist said it was easier being a captive than working with Katie Couric.

Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is working on a memoir to be published in 2010. However, Rumsfeld has admitted the memoir may not be finished a quickly as he hopes it will be, and could drag out for 5 years, 10 years, or maybe even 100 years.

Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is working on a memoir to be published in 2010. Reportedly, Rumsfeld assured his publisher that the book will be greeted with flowers when it invades bookstores, and will remain on shelves for a long, hard slog.

The French parliament adopted a bill that would make public encouragement of extreme thinness illegal. Victoria Beckham immediately cancelled her next trip to Paris.

A proposed health law in France would make it illegal for the media to encourage girls to be anorexic. Or to shower.

Residents across the Midwest were awakened Friday morning by a 5.2 magnitude earthquake in central Illinois. Although people in the Midwest are not accustomed to earthquakes, they are used to frequent shaking from meth withdrawal.

Residents across the Midwest were awakened Friday morning by a 5.2 magnitude earthquake in central Illinois. Commented a guy from the midwest: “Um…yeah an earthquake…yeah that’s how Mary Beth got them black eyes. Earthquake did it. Yup.”

Houston Astros shortstop Miguel Tejada admitted last week that he’s actually 33 years old, two years older than listed in his records. Tejada decided to finally admit the truth after seeing the rise in popularity of MILFs.

Houston Astros shortstop Miguel Tejada admitted last week that he’s actually 33 years old, two years older than listed in his records. As a result, Major League Baseball will now begin mandatory age-testing.

On Friday Richard Quest, CNN’s international’s business travel specialist, was arrested in Central Park at 3:40 am with a baggie of methamphetamines in his pocket and a chain around his penis and his neck. Apparently Quest knows a thing or two about tripping in Central Park as well.

CBS Chairman Les Moonves made a surprise appearance weekly meeting on Friday to support embattled Evening News anchor Katie Couric. Moonves said after the pep talk: “I believe Katie found my support very encouraging despite her poor ratings with viewers. At least I think she was happy, I really didn’t look up at the meeting — I can’t stand to watch her either.”

In one of the most comprehensive geological studies ever done, scientists have forecast a 99 percent chance that California will be struck by a major earthquake in the next 30 years. In order to head off this catastrophe, the state has been giving botox injections to the San Andreas Fault.

Frustrated by an internal dispute over seniority, US Airways pilots on Thursday ousted their union of 59 years and agreed to be represented by another group. Lucky for them, that group is Twisted Sister.

Federal prosecutors are recommending that Wesley Snipes serves three years in prison following his charges over tax evasion. On the plus side, the sentence would ensure that a fourth Blade movie won’t come out until 2015.

The man who bought a 15-minute sex film of Marilyn Monroe for $1.5 million dollars said he plans on keeping the film private out of respect for the late actress. Esquire magazine has already offered Lindsay Lohan 15 million to reenact the the tape. 20 million if she’ll do it with Robert F. Kennedy Jr.

A memorabilia collector purchased a sex film for one and a half million dollars which features Marilyn Monroe performing oral sex on a man rumored to be John F. Kennedy. Those who have viewed the footage say it’s like the Zapruder film only in this one the President gets head.

A memorabilia collector purchased a sex film for one and a half million dollars which features Marilyn Monroe performing oral sex on a man rumored to be John F. Kennedy. The man’s identity points toward Kennedy because you can see a back brace, secret service men and that he’s all head and no stem.

The man who bought a 15-minute sex film of Marilyn Monroe for $1.5 million dollars said he plans on keeping the film private out of respect for the dead actress. At least the collector thinks the film runs fifteen minutes… he can never make it past the first four.

Martha Stewart’s dog Paw Paw, a familiar face on her television show and in her magazine, has died at the age of 12. On the bright side, Paw Paw passed away just in time for Martha’s new episode on how to make Dog Cider.

Martha Stewart’s dog Paw Paw, a familiar face on her television show and in her magazine, died last week at the age of 12. Paw Paw is survived by his bitch, and also by the female dog with which he mated.

A jury has acquitted a man of smuggling endangered iguanas in his hollowed-out prosthetic leg but convicted him of concealing it. In his defense, the man claimed he lied to avoid insulting people who asked, “Is that an iguana in your pants or are you just happy to see me?”

The winner of this year’s Acme World Oyster Eating Contest in New Orleans smashed records by consuming 420 oysters in 10 minutes. After eating the 420 oysters, the man broke another record by having sex with his wife 420 times.

A new study shows that women who consume one or two alcoholic drinks a day have a higher risk of developing breast cancer. Meanwhile, women who consume more than two alcoholic drinks a day have a higher risk of developing babies.

A new study shows that women who consume one or two alcoholic drinks a day have a higher risk of developing breast cancer. Meanwhile, women who consume more than two alcoholic drinks a day have a higher risk of developing herpes.

According to a new study, divorce and costs U.S. taxpayers more than $112 billion dollars a year. However, many analysts feel the price is worth it since it allows for more easily accessible MILFs.

According to a new study, divorce and out-of-wedlock childbearing costs U.S. taxpayers more than $112 billion dollars a year. However, the number drops dramatically when you factor out the Spears family.

According to a new study, divorce costs U.S. taxpayers more than $112 billion dollars a year. But it’s worth every penny when you remember what a nagging bitch she was.

The governors of Virginia and Maryland pledged Tuesday afternoon to make a drastic cut in the Chesapeake Bay’s harvest of blue crabs. In order to keep the harvest low, the governors have banned visits from Wilmer Valderrama.

The VA Medical Center in Dallas has decided to close its psychiatric wing after a fourth mentally ill patient committed suicide. As a result, the city of Dallas will now have to find a new place to hold their Russian Roulette tournament.

An unstable global economy has resulted in the steepest rise in food prices in 17 years, combined with the highest gas prices ever. Despite that double whammy, you still have to wait an hour to get a chili-dog at Pinks on LaBrea.

Electronic Arts announced last week that their popular video game, The Sims, has sold over 100 million units. Players of the game celebrated the announcement by not getting laid.

The video game Grand Theft Auto 4 is expected to achieve more than $400 million dollars worth of sales during its first week available. Said a representative for the game “Because of the high sales, there will be plenty of places where the game is sold out. But don’t panic, everyone. You can achieve the exact same level of fun by going out and beating a real prostitute.”

The video game Grand Theft Auto 4 is expected to achieve more than $400 million dollars worth of sales during its first week available. If it fails to meet that number, gamemakers will just use a cheat code to get all the money they need.

The video game Grand Theft Auto 4 is expected to achieve more than $400 million dollars worth of sales during its first week available. If it fails to meet that number, gamemakers will just beat it out of a hooker.

In Ohio, a video was discovered inside a camera sold at a pawn shop that showed a 2-year-old toddler being forced to smoke a marijuana cigarette. In order to get more information, police have asked local residents to be on the lookout for the coolest toddler ever.

In Ohio, a video was discovered inside a camera sold at a pawn shop that showed a 2-year-old toddler being forced to smoke a marijuana cigarette. Two teenagers were arrested, one of whom faces additional drug trafficking charges. Said the paranoid teen in his defense, “Hey, I just needed to know the kid wasn’t a narc.”

In Ohio, a video was discovered inside a camera sold at a pawn shop that showed two teenagers giving a marijuana cigarette to a two-year-old. The toddler had to pawn the camera to pay for another dime sack.

Researchers have developed a new device that will help doctors and parents decide on whether or not they continue the treatment of an extremely premature infant. However, the device only works if you call it in the air.

On Sunday, a 150-pound cougar was shot dead by Chicago police on the city’s north side. Chicago police instituted the new anti-cougar policy as a way of ridding Chicago streets of Ashton Kutcher.

On Sunday, a 150-pound cougar was shot dead by Chicago police on the city’s north side. The Chicago police later apologized, claiming they thought it was a Black Panther.

New research indicates that heavy drinkers and smokers develop Alzheimer’s disease six to seven years earlier than those who do not smoke or drink. The findings confirm scientists’ long-held suspicion that heavy drinking and smoking is bad for you.

New research indicates that heavy drinkers and smokers develop Alzheimer’s disease six to seven years earlier than those who do not smoke or drink. The good news is, heavy drinkers and smokers are likely to be saved from Alzheimer’s by a premature death caused by liver and lung disease.

New research indicates that heavy drinkers and smokers develop Alzheimer’s disease six to seven years earlier than those who do not smoke or drink. This is good news to those who drink in order to forget their problems.

CBS announcer Bobby Clampett apologized this week after referring to Chinese golfer Liang Wen-Chong as “the chinaman” during last Sunday’s Masters broadcast. He also apologized for accusing the golfer of spreading birdie-flu by being 5 shots under sars.

In a radical new operation, surgeons in San Diego have successfully removed a man’s appendix through his mouth. The man had a speedy recovery, but still has that really bad appendix taste in his mouth.

In a radical new operation, surgeons in San Diego have successfully removed a man’s appendix through his mouth, and because the man failed to get authorization from his insurer, he will now have to pay through the nose.

In a radical new operation, surgeons in San Diego have successfully removed a man’s appendix through his mouth. Unfortunately, they weren’t able to extract the foot.

The world’s oldest tree has been found in Sweden, which scientists say is approximately 9,500 years old. Scientists calculated the tree’s age by asking John McCain when he had planted it.

A court in Yemen has allowed the divorce of an 8-year-old girl from her 30-year-old husband after ruling she was forced into the marriage by her father. However, the court is still deciding whether the man will be forced to pay alimony or child support.

A court in Yemen has allowed the divorce of an 8-year-old girl from her 30-year-old husband after ruling she was forced into the marriage by her father. The husband left the courthouse and proceeded straight to a jungle gym with his really cool van.

A man who has been arrested 53 times for groping women on Manhattan subway trains could face life in prison if he’s convicted after his latest arrest. The man’s exploits will be dramatized in an upcoming feature film entitled, “The Groping of Pelham One Two Three.”

Researchers for the Cleveland Zoo have discovered a rare giant turtle in Vietnam. However, things got ugly when the Vietnamese turtle started slowly torturing John McCain.

Researchers for the Cleveland Zoo have discovered a rare giant turtle in Vietnam. They have also found a rare Vietnamese person living in Cleveland.

Eighteen pork plant workers in Minnesota have come down with a mysterious neurological condition they appear to have contracted while removing brains from slaughtered pigs. Medical officials are advising the public to stay away from pig brains by not eating hot dogs.

Eighteen pork plant workers in Minnesota have come down with a mysterious neurological condition they appear to have contracted while removing brains from slaughtered pigs. Families were stunned, as they assumed the workers’ own brains had been removed shortly before they accepted jobs at a pork plant in Minnesota.

Eighteen pork plant workers in Minnesota have come down with a mysterious neurological disorder they appear to have contracted while removing brains from slaughtered pigs. Doctors are calling the condition, “a conscience.”

Scientists say the earth makes a constant sound undetectable to the human ear, called the earth’s hum. Ironically, scientists believe the sound was created from feedback by the band Hum.

Physicist John Wheeler, who coined the phrase “black hole” as a simpler way to say “gravitationally completely collapsed star”, died this week at the age of 96. Wheeler when with “black hole” after his first name for a completely collapsed star was rejected: “Orson Welles.”

Physicist John Wheeler, who coined the phrase “black hole” as a simpler way to say “gravitationally completely collapsed star”, died this week at the age of 96. Wheeler came up with the phrase after witnessing the aftermath of his wife delivering their 9th child.

Physicist John Wheeler, who coined the phrase “black hole” as a simpler way to say “gravitationally completely collapsed star”, died this week at the age of 96. With his death, a “gravitationally completely collapsed star” will now be referred to as a Britney Spears.

Physicist John Wheeler, who coined the phrase “black hole” as a simpler way to say “gravitationally completely collapsed star”, died this week at the age of 96. Wheeler died from pneumonia caused by a “gravitationally completely collapsed lung.”

Edward Lorenz, the father of chaos theory, died Wednesday at the age of 90. Police investigators are currently looking to question a butterfly in Brazil.

Edward Lorenz, the father of chaos theory, died Wednesday at the age of 90. He is survived by many proponents of chaos who will continue to fight Maxwell Smart and CONTROL.

MIT professor Edward Lorenz, who developed the concept of the Butterfly Effect, died Wednesday at age 90. Lorenz died after realizing that people associate the Butterfly Effect with Ashton Kutcher.

MIT professor Edward Lorenz, who developed the concept of the Butterfly Effect, died Wednesday at age 90. Unfortunately, both directors of the Butterfly Effect movie are still alive.

Edward Lorenz, the father of chaos theory, died Wednesday at the age of 90. As Lorenz took his final breath, a hurricane began forming off the cost of Brazil.

Edward Lorenz, the father of chaos theory, died Wednesday at the age of 90. Nobody saw it coming.

Edward Lorenz, the father of chaos theory, died Wednesday at the age of 90. Ironically, his death had no effect at all.

And finally, legendary Disney animator Ollie Johnson died Monday at 95. Johnson contributed to many classic Disney films but will be remembered best for the nudie shot of Jessica Rabbit.