In a Mass at Washington’s Nationals Park on Thursday, Pope Benedict said that, despite the pedophilia scandal, American Catholics should still love their priests. The pope added that, when loving priests, American Catholics should remember to clarify that the loving was consensual.
On Wednesday, a crowd at the White House sang “Happy Birthday” to Pope Benedict. While the Pontiff enjoyed the song, he told aides he would have preferred it if people had sung “Fergalicious.”
In an interview this week, Barack Obama said that as president, he would “immediately review” potential crimes of the Bush administration. John McCain responded that he would not only review the crimes, he would continue to commit them.
Revising his stance on global warming, President Bush will propose a new target for stopping the growth of the nation’s greenhouse gas emissions by 2025. To help achieve this goal, the president will no longer ask foreign dignitaries to pull his finger.
On Monday Iraqi troops rescued a CBS correspondent who had been kidnapped in Basra two months ago. The rescue operation was launched after the rejection of CBS’s demand that in exchange for the correspondent the kidnappers take Katie Couric.
A U.S. Supreme Court decision Wednesday upholding the use of lethal injection may result in the resumption of executions in California before the end of the year. As a precaution, authorities have ordered all death row inmates to hold off writing their Christmas lists.
American Airlines pilots picketed in nine US cities and London on Tuesday, blaming the company’s management for delays and poor service. The protests were scheduled to start at 9 am but didn’t get going until 10:30.
Priscilla Presley was voted off of “Dancing with the Stars” on Tuesday’s show. Presley was so upset by the news that she almost changed her facial expression.
Gwyneth Paltrow told Vogue magazine that she suffered from post partum depression following the birth of her son two years ago. Doctors then advised Paltrow that she just may have been depressed from listening to husband Chris Martin’s albums.
Prosecutors are recommending that Wesley Snipes serves three years in prison following his conviction on charges of tax evasion. Snipes faces one year for failing to file a return, and two years for making “To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar.”
Martha Stewart’s dog Paw Paw, a familiar face on her television show and in her magazine, has died of renal failure at the age of 12. Paw Paw’s death makes Stewart the family’s sole surviving bitch.
The winner of this year’s Acme World Oyster Eating Contest in New Orleans set a new world record by consuming 420 oysters in 10 minutes. He then set another world record by throwing up 420 oysters in 10 seconds.
According to experts, sending nude photos over cell phone cameras has become normal courtship behavior in teenage dating circles. Health experts worry that this could spark an outbreak of textually transmitted diseases.
On Tuesday a cougar was shot dead by Chicago police on the city’s north side. Police only shot the cougar after they failed to get rid of it by changing its name to “Mellencamp.”
In a radical new operation, surgeons in San Diego have successfully removed a man’s appendix through his mouth. After the surgery, the man immediately requested a new dentist.
MIT professor Edward Lorenz, who developed the concept of the Butterfly Effect, died Wednesday at age 90 at his home in Massachusetts. Lorenz died after an ant in Africa stepped on a pebble.
CBS announcer Bobby Clampett apologized this week after referring to Chinese golfer Liang Wen-Chong as “the chinaman” during last Sunday’s Masters broadcast. In his defense, Clampett pointed out that he only resorted to the epithet after Liang put pee-pee in his Coke.
Scientists say the earth makes a constant sound undetectable to the human ear, which they call the earth’s hum. Scientists add that the earth hums because it doesn’t know the words.
Houston Astros shortstop Miguel Tejada admitted last week that he’s actually 33 years old, two years older than listed in his records. However, Tejada’s MySpace profile still says he’s 19.
And finally, legendary Disney animator Ollie Johnson died Monday at age ninety-five. In lieu of flowers, friends are encouraged to send sympathy cards containing hidden messages about sex.
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