What an amazing night for politics!!!
On Monday, John McCain, Barack Obama, and Hillary Clinton all appeared on the popular professional wrestling program; WWE RAW. They were all asked to use wrestling metaphors to help sway younger voters to their side of the campaign. Here were the results;
Let’s just call them hit or miss and move on, shall we? Congratulations to Vince McMahon on scoring a major victory for his television franchise. Just think, the next president of the United States just made wrestling themed jokes on a prime time cable show! It’s the proudest day in the history of America!
But this is not about how the candidates appealed to the wrestling fans. No, let’s take a look at the world of wrestling and figure out who wrestlers past and present would probably vote for;
SGT. SLAUGHTER
Sgt. Slaughter was an American hero. Back in the mid 1980’s he joined the special forces group GI:Joe. I would have to believe that his pro military leanings would make him an obvious supporter of John McCain. I was a little tepid because in 1991 the Sarge won the world title while waving an Iraqi flag. But then I remembered that a few short months later he made a series of spots where he ‘Wanted his country back’. Yes, I’m sure now. Sgt. Slaughter would support John McCain.
MR. PERFECT
The late great Curt ‘Mr. Perfect’ Hennig was a tremendous talent. He won many Intercontinental Titles and had the best theme music in wrestling. What would Mr. Perfect look for in a candidate? I’d have to believe that he would want a candidate as perfect as he is. That being understood you would have to assume that Hennig would be an Obama fan. I mean if you don’t believe Obama is a perfect human being, just ask his supporters, they’ll set you straight!
VAL VENIS
This is an easy one. Val Venis was the wrestling porn star. His gimmick included making sex videos with the female valets of his opponents as a way to get in their head. He is seen in the above picture with The Godfather (The wrestling pimp) as well as what I can only assume are 2 of the Godfather’s “Ho’s”. All this being said Val Venis loves the ladies, and as such he’d for sure be in support of Hillary Clinton.
THE MILLION DOLLAR MAN TED DIBIASE
Ted DiBiase was the Million Dollar Champion. He flaunted his vast fortune over everyone around him. Ted always lived by the motto that ‘Everyone has a price’. DiBiase also used fellow wrestlers to his own benefit before ultimately humiliating them and tossing them away. Now he speaks to people about The Lord. Sounds like a Republican to me! That and tax breaks for the rich would be right up his alley. Slam dunk for McCain.
HULK HOGAN
Hulk Hogan firmly believed in the 3 demandments, one of those demandments was ‘Say your prayers’. He constantly went around waving an American flag. He came out to the theme song ‘I am a real American’. Just when it seemed obvious that the Hulkster would support the Republican McCain, he went on Jimmy Kimmel and pronounced his support for Obama, just to screw with my head.
CHYNA
Chyna was billed as the 9th Wonder of the World (Because of course Andre the Giant was the 8th). She was an imposing woman who eventually turned to wrestling men. Her theme song proudly declared, ‘Don’t treat me like a woman, don’t treat me like a man, don’t treat me like you know me, just treat me for who I am’. I still to this day do not fully understand what those lyrics mean. Anyways Chyna saw herself as a pioneer of women everywhere, daring to compete in a male dominated world. Gotta see a Hillary supporter in this one.
STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN
Stone Cold Steve Austin was born to raise hell. Coming from Victoria, Texas he started out as a vicious and calculating master of the ring. He finished up as a beer drinking redneck who stuck it to authority. Hmm, let me think, Texas redneck who was against the establishment. Hmmmm, oh duh, this one is a no brainer.
ROB VAN DAM
Rob Van Dam was also known as ‘The whole F’n show’. His matches usually were really slow to start because he was always pointing to himself and basically saying ‘Hey, look at me, I’m here!’. RVD was always someone who needed to be the center of attention, and he also smoked alot of weed. Hmm, if there was only a pro weed candidate out there who was as known for putting himself before the product. Wait a sec, found him!
HORNSWOGGLE
Hornswoggle is a mute midget leprechaun.
THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR
The Ultimate Warrior burst onto the scene as suddenly as he left it. Hailing from ‘Parts Unknown’ The Ultimate Warrior spoke of hearing voices, and rising from the grave, and space aliens, generally all in the same sentence. It’s going to be awfully hard to pair him up with a candidate. Hmm, oh wait a sec, I know the perfect candidate for the Ultimate Warrior, I saw his bumper sticker in the parking lot at the San Diego Comic Con!
Ok, this is getting a little weird now. I’d better stop pairing wrestlers to candidates before I lose what’s left of my sanity. I hope that this guide has been helpful to you in picking which wrestler you want to support with your votes this election season!
-Ray
www.almightyray.com
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