Automatic weapons now legal in Kansas
Randy Alfrey likes guns.
I try to defend the Midwest from claims of “those scary middle states” and then this gem pops up from the great state of Kansas. Personally, I enjoy sunsets, walks on the beach, wine tasting, candlelight dinners and rescuing dogs and cats from animal shelters. Guns are good though Randy. Guns are good. Go with what you know.
“Guns have been an American tradition since this country was found,” he said.
They’ve been a tradition in his family too. For as long as he can remember, he’s owned guns.
I understand tradition. I’m in the mortgage industry, just like my father was, and his father and his father and so on back to John Mortgage that came over on the Mayflower.
Our favorite tradition since this country was found: stealing land. That’s why, I’m planning on repossessing your house. Oh the joy.
That’s why he supports a new law signed by Governor Kathleen Sebelius allowing Kansans to legally own automatic weapons, sawed-off shotguns, and silencers beginning on July 1st.
Silencers have been an American tradition since this country was found as well. I remember stories that my dad told me of John Mortgage going out into the wilds of Massachusetts with a goose strapped to the end of his gun so that it wouldn’t make such a loud noise as he took target practice. Good times, good times. Where would this country be without silencers? Well, there’d probably be a stable population of the Long-eared Crested Blue Goose, but that’s neither here nor there. Silencers! Golf clap everyone!
Kaw Valley Gun Club Owner Kevin Ketter is thrilled just thinking about the money he’ll make renting out those new weapons.
“It’s gonna bring in more revenue for me,” Ketter said. “I sell a lot of pistols and handguns out here, but it’s just something new that people can come in, say ‘I’ve never shot an automatic.’ Well they can come in here and they don’t have to go out and buy one.”
I can’t wait until I can go to the Kaw Valley Gun Club and say “I’ve never shot an intercontinental ballistic missile,” and Kevin will smile and place his loving shooting hand on my shoulder and say, “I know young Mortgage, I know. Step this way and let us experience this joy together. That will be fifty kajillion dollars.” Then I’ll say, “Here’s fifty kajillion dollars in cash that I have from foreclosing on the Kaw Valley Savings and Loan.” Then we’ll laugh. Oh, we’ll laugh.
Even though the law allows you to own automatic weapons, there’s a lot of paperwork involved — for dealers and buyers.
Paperwork!?!??!!! That’s not one of my favorite American traditions. Stupid founding fathers with their stupid declarations. Just give me my gun.
Other guns are different. To legally buy, say, a pistol, you can leave the store with it the same day, after answering a few questions and passing a background check. You’ll have to do a lot more to get an automatic weapon.
Question #1: Would you like to answer a few questions?
Answer #1: Yes, yes I would.
Question #2: Would you like to buy, say, a pistol?
Answer #2: Yes, yes I would.
Question #3: Would you like to take it home today?
Answer #3: Yes, yes I would.
“They have to go through a background check to get the gun,” he said. “That goes through the K.B.I. (Kansas Bureau of Investigation) and A.T.F. (The U.S. Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms), fingerprinted, they’re gonna have to get a letter from law enforcement. It’s going to be a two to three month ordeal.”
Dear Kevin Ketter,
Please allow Mr. Mortgage to purchase an intercontinental ballistic missile. He passed our background check that showed he never started global thermonuclear war or had a DWI arrest. He promises to aim it only at barren landscapes, the oceans or Hugo Chavez. Thanks.
Police Chief Captain Detective Sergeant Will Kansas
Ketter says the guns could cost more than $5,000. Many movies glamorize automatic weapons and sawed off shot guns being used to kill people, but Kevin says most people use guns for sport as a hobby and tradition. One that will soon have a new twist in Kansas.
The new hobby – The Most Dangerous Game. The twist – everyone’s doing it naked.
Someone please stop pouring the bucket of crazy over Kansas.
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