The Big News Report

We here at Big News feel we’d be stealing from you, much like Niko running wild on the streets of Liberty City, if we didn’t share all of our bounty from our writers. So, here is our little segment we call BONUS JOKES, and we hope that Roman doesn’t tell Niko to come to the iO West Sunday night at 10 pm to see the rest of the bounty he’s missing.

According to market analysts, the release of the videogame Grand Theft Auto 4 is expected to increase the number of Sony Playstation 3s that are sold. Unfortunately, the increase in sales is expected to be offset by the number of Playstations stolen.

The IRS deposited thousands of rebate checks in taxpayers’ bank accounts on Monday, as the Bush administration hoped the payments would jump-start a weak economy. Former New York governor Elliot Spitzer already used his $600 rebate for a 10 minute “date”.

The Federal Reserve took steps Friday to end “unfair and deceptive” credit card industry practices which force consumers into higher payments than advertised. President Bush hailed the Fed’s clampdown, saying Americans should never have to pay billions more for bait and switch policies that don’t deliver what they promised.

A new poll shows that 7% of Americans who were married in the past year did so in order to obtain health care coverage from their spouse. The other 93% still have no idea why they got married.

A new poll shows that 7% of Americans who were married in the past year did so in order to obtain health care coverage from their spouse. The other 93% of people got married in order to win a reality show.

A new poll shows that 7% of Americans who were married in the past year did so in order to obtain health care coverage from their spouse. Unfortunately, most health care policies don’t cover injuries sustained from spousal abuse.

A new survey shows that paying for gasoline tops the list of important issues facing American families. Gas prices moved into the number one slot after this year’s disappointing season of American Idol.

Google researchers have developed technology that will use image-recognition software to make Google Image Search more reliable. Researchers added the real advance will be that you can specify the exact type of crotch shot you want to find.

A 30-year-old dolphin at Sea World died on Monday after colliding with another dolphin while performing aerial tricks. The visitation is expected to last as long as it takes for Sea World to build a gigantic toilet.

A major loss of Arctic sea ice is expected to continue this summer, resulting in a 40% reduction of northern ice fields compared to twenty years ago. Scientists blame the large scale ice loss on global warming and an increased consumption of Chivas Regal by Ted Kennedy.

Swiss adventurer Olivier Vietti-Teppa landed safely on the ground after jumping out of a helicopter to test a parachute designed by Leonardo da Vinci in 1485. He then landed safely on a supermodel after testing a pick-up line designed by Leonardo DiCaprio in 2005.

Scientists have determined that the human brain can only remember four things at once. And in the male brain, two of those four things are boobs.

Computers went on sale to the general public for the first time ever in Cuba on Friday. On Saturday, the new users already hated Microsoft Vista.

On April 30, Israel marked its annual Holocaust Remembrance Day. Or as Mel Gibson called it, Wednesday.

On April 30, Israel marked its annual Holocaust Remembrance Day. Iran plans to celebrate on April 31st.

An Ohio woman claims to see an image of Jesus in the ultrasound of her unborn fetus. The woman is expected to give birth to a potato chip.

Scientists in the UK are seeking 150 women to volunteer to eat chocolate every day for one year for a study on heart disease. So far, the number of volunteering women is 3 billion.

Two parents who prayed for their 11-year old daughter to overcome diabetes instead of taking her to the hospital were charged with 2nd-degree reckless homicide. The couple said they have learned their lesson and will not waste time praying for forgiveness.

This week a three year old boy took first place in Minnesota’s Mullet Contest. The boy will use his winnings to buy kiddie meth.

In Arkansas, a prisoner is suing the jail for receiving an “inadequate diet” after he lost 100 pounds during his first 8 months in jail. In related news, Kirstie Alley is trying to get arrested in Arkansas.

On Friday, Hollywood icon Elizabeth Taylor urged voters in the Tuesday primaries to vote for Hillary Clinton, saying the candidate is a powerful leader and “not a flibbertijibbet.” Taylor then called Barack Obama and John McCain ne’er-do-well jackanapes, swooned and returned home to the year 1872.

On Wednesday, Basque nightclub, a popular Hollywood club where Lindsay Lohan held her birthday party, was burned down in a large fire. Fortunately, evacuation was orderly as club was built using the old adage, “Never put all your Basques in one exit.”

On Wednesday’s Oprah, magician David Blaine set a new world record by holding his breath underwater for more than 17 minutes. Critics called it the most interesting interview that Blaine’s ever done.

On Wednesday’s Oprah, magician David Blaine set a new world record by holding his breath underwater for more than 17 minutes. Unfortunately, he didn’t die.

On Wednesday’s Oprah, magician David Blaine set a new world record by holding his breath underwater for more than 17 minutes. He would have gone longer but his father relented and bought him that new pony he wanted.

Warner Brothers announced that it is reviving the old WB Network as a website. Because it is on a website, analysts expect the programming will be even easier to ignore.

Warner Brothers announced that it is reviving the old WB Network as a website. Viewers are excited to watch crappy shows on a much smaller screen.

Vivid Entertainment has announced they will be releasing an 11-minute sex tape starring Jimi Hendrix that was filmed over 40 years ago. Experts believe that the man in the video is Hendrix because the woman is being played left handed and upside down.

Vivid Entertainment has announced they will be releasing an 11-minute sex tape starring Jimi Hendrix that was filmed over 40 years ago. While it’s still unclear if the man is actually Jimi Hendrix, the sex tape does end with the man setting the bed on fire.

Vivid Entertainment has announced they will be releasing an 11-minute sex tape starring Jimi Hendrix that was filmed over 40 years ago. Vivid hopes to shock the world by revealing musicians are sexually active.

According to The New York Daily News, Roger Clemens had a decade-long affair with country music singer Mindy McCready which started when he was a married 28 year-old and she was 15. Clemens complained about the unfair standards for his life as he has always been taught if there’s grass on the field, then throw balls on it.

According to The New York Daily News, Roger Clemens had a decade-long affair with country music singer Mindy McCready which started when he was a married 28 year-old and she was 15. Clemens explained that even top baseball players have to spend some time in the minors.

After dating for one month, 38-year-old Billboard diva Mariah Carey has married 27-year-old actor Nick Cannon. For the ceremony the bride wrote her own vows, which featured a rap by Jay-Z.

After dating for one month, 38-year-old Billboard diva Mariah Carey has married 27-year-old actor Nick Cannon in the Bahamas. Carey chose to have the ceremony on the islands because she could fulfill her lifelong dream of getting married in a white bikini.

The original handwritten lyrics to John Lennon’s “Give Peace a Chance” will be auctioned off later in the year and are expected to sell for more than $400,000. However, the sale price is expected to fall after it’s revealed that Lennon was actually telling everyone to give pizza a chance.

The original handwritten lyrics to John Lennon’s “Give Peace a Chance” will be auctioned off later in the year and are expected to sell for more than $400,000. The money will be used to buy machine guns.

On Monday, Seattle man Lovelychild James Manuel was charged with 2nd degree murder and assault after a shooting at a party for the authors of Dr. Dre’s new biography. Manuel blamed his upbringing for the crime, specifically his parents, Terriblemom and Crappydad Manuel.

Big News writer Bennie Arthur was seriously injured in a car accident early Wednesday morning. Arthur suffered a punctured lung and three broken ribs, but fortunately there was no damage to his ability to recall dialogue from ’80’s movies.

Deborah Jeanne Palfrey, the “D.C. Madam” who was convicted of running a prostution service for Washington’s political elite, died on Thursday after an apparent suicide. In related news, the eternal flame in Arlington Cemetary had to be relit after it was blown out by an enormous sigh of relief.