The Big News Report

In recent days, we have found out that there are rumors that put Roger Clemens in relationships with various women including country singer Mindy McCready and Paulette Dean Daly, the former wife of golfer John Daly. Add that to the unfounded allegations of steroid use and sticking needles in one’s bottom, and Clemens, one of the greatest right-handed pitchers of all time, is in a negative maelstrom. Today, Clemens apologized for his personal indiscretions. Well, I try to stay above all of that Nelly Negativity you find out there in the “blogoflat”*, and that is why I am backing up Roger Clemens and providing a list of at least five people that haven’t visited Roger Clemens’ fancy bedchambers.**

* Coined by the Flat Internet Society since any premise that the realm of blogs is a “sphere” is a completely unfounded theory, much like the existence of North Dakota.

** I don’t know personally if he has fancy bedchambers, but as I’ve heard different things, until I can confirm, I’m going with the ‘positive’ aspect rather than a cockroach-infested pee-pee stained refrigerator box.

Paula Abdul

This is an easy one. Paula Abdul only likes talented young singers.*** Well, that’s one, two, three strikes for Mr. Clemens and he’s out of any suspicion of dating Paula Abdul.

*** Well, singers on American Idol, but it’s kind of the same thing. Like ketchup being a vegetable.

Jenna Bush

Again, this one is obvious. If you do a Bush twin wrong, expect Daddy to come after you****. If the Rocket had blasted off with Jenna, I’d expect Enron Field***** would be in tiny pieces with no running water and the statues of Craig Biggio and Jeff Bagwell torn down. They’re still standing, so Jenna is off the list.

**** Rumor has it that Barbara once had a particularly cold cup of coffee at Café Du Monde in New Orleans. Now, I’m no conspiracy theorist, but that cup of coffee was served on August 22, 2005.

***** Until scientists develop an orange juice that goes well with hot dogs or nachos, I will not recognize the new name of the stadium. Harrumph.

Katie Couric

Yes, Roger Clemens used to love to hang outside the Today Show studios****** when he was with the Yankees, but there is no proof that Katie ever returned the attention that Roger lavished on her. Imagine the ratings boost if Katie Couric had dated Clemens! “On tonight’s CBS Evening News, Katie Couric talks with Katie Couric on how it feels to hold on to a Rocket.” Since the ratings are still not the best, ******* Katie must never have orbited with Clemens.

****** Only when he could solve “Where in the World is Matt Lauer” and know the coast was clear.

******* If I was in Nelly Negativity land, this would say “ratings are in a toilet whirlpool circling a large brown trout.”

Will Leitch

If the past week has taught us anything about blogs, it is that they are full of shit******** and will post anything. As editor of Deadspin, as palatable as he might appear to Bob Costas, if Will had slept with Clemens, he would have recorded it and put up the video long ago, since there is no editorial control whatsoever on what bloggers post. Since I haven’t seen “Bottling Rocket” posted anywhere, Leitch is off the hook.*********

********Actual language from Buzz Bissinger – otherwise I would not use such language in my post. Sorry Mom. Don’t get any ideas Vulgar McVulgarsons.

*********On the other hand, big daddy balls is not off the hook since I have heard rumors of “DodgeBalls – A True Roger Clemens Story”.

Buzz Bissinger

I feel this is the clincher. Bissinger and Clemens met in a hotel bar during Spring Training 2007********** Now, it might seem easy for them to share a night discussing their love of baseball, “Three Nights in August”***********, how they hate the internets, the lack of playing time for Clemens in the minors and how it impacted his career, and the poetry of Rod McKuen, and then gone up to a room and shared a night of passion, but my sources ************ said otherwise.

**********This may have been part of my off-season Pursue the Pennant league where I rolled a 000 and went off the chart to see that Roger Clemens and Buzz Bissinger sipped Mai-tais poolside – but I can’t remember for sure.

***********I recommend “Three Nights in August” highly – it is a fantastic book looking at the St. Louis Cardinals and the managerial style of Tony LaRussa. But, buy it at a bookstore and not online. Online bookstores will sell any book without editing what titles will be sold or categorizing content whatsoever. Dirty online bookstores.

************I think I rolled a 175, and that just meant they hugged and said good night.

So, in conclusion, if I can find five people that haven’t slept with Roger Clemens, I’m sure we can find many more. (Take that, lawyers for Brian McNamee.) Now, I’m sure you all have your opinions, but keep the comments clean Bucky McBuckerson – I don’t want to see your vulgar cousin visiting. For everyone, just stay off of Roger Clemens back and keep it positive.

Oh geez, how long have you been on Clemens back? Stop doing that. That’s not going to be good for anyone.