The Better of Both Worlds

Monday, May 5, 2008 in Announcements, Big News Writers, Editorial, Highlights, Humor, News, News & Commentary, News In Brief, Quick Takes, The Biz
Tags: alcoholic, bar, best of both worlds tour, Billy Ray Cyrus, blonde, brunette, CDs, concerts, country, crafts, dealer, drunk, dumb, fat, grammy, Hannah Montana, hummingbird, lip singing, meth, Miley Cyrus, o'douls, pregnant, racy, spread, Vanity Fair, Wal-Mart

“I’m Sorrier Than An Alcoholic In A Bar Full Of O’Douls”

by Hannah Montana

I just wanted y’all to know that my good friend Miley Cyrus is not the one posin’ in them racy pictures. I am! I woulda said something sooner, but I kinda forgot about it because my parents wanted me to. Plus, I been on tour.

You know what, though, I can’t even believe I had to say anything. Y’all must be dumber than a hummingbird for thinkin’ that was Miley in that spread. Number one- and I’m only saying this to help her out- we don’t even look alike! She’s brunette; I’m blonde. She’s a couple pounds heavier; I’m in perfect shape. She looks white trash; I never wear my blue jean, acid-washed Wal-Mart mini without hose.

Number two-remember, now, I’m saying this for her own good- she ain’t famous!! You think a respectable magazine like Vanity Fair would want some redneck hack on the cover? I mean, the only reason that tramp gets anywhere in this town is ridin’ on the fancy coattails of her daddy, Billy Ray [who, by the way, is totally H-A-W-T!]

Bottom line is, Miley Cyrus is a precious, precious girl. Why, every time I’m too drunk to walk straight down the red carpet, she steps right in and takes my place. And that time I was pregnant for 7 days she lip sank for me the entire week.

Just leave her alone, all right?! And buy my CD. I need the money to pay my Meth dealer. [He gets testy when it's been a week or two since he et anything, and then he makes a ton of weird crafts and shit and sends ‘em to me, and I need all that shelf space for all the Grammys I know I'll get next year.]

XOXO,

Hannah J