Great Scott! Los Angeles woke up this morning to discover that Universal Studios was on fire! Among the sets and buildings lost – the iconic courthouse square from “Back to the Future.” But what’s the big deal – all you need is a De Lorean, a flux capacitor, and 1.21 gigawatts of power, and you can go back in time to stop the fire from ever starting! And you can get the power when that lightning bolt strikes the old clock tower….WHICH HAS BEEN DAMAGED IN THE FIRE!! GREAT SCOTT!!!
While we figure out where to get a new power supply, enjoy these bonus jokes from our Big News writers. And speaking of going back in time – starting June 8, Big News is one hour earlier – a brand new show every Sunday night at 9!!!!
President Bush has denied charges in a new book by his former press secretary Scott McClellan that he was not “forthright on Iraq.” The President pointed out that he was forthright because three other people were right first.
On Friday, Ricky Martin endorsed Hillary Clinton for President. Not to be outdone, Dennis Kucinich on Friday got a rousing endorsement from William Hung.
This week the Mars Phoenix Lander sent pictures of the Martian surface back home to earth. In response Congress is considering further cuts in NASA’s budget so they don’t have to sit through another boring slide show of Mars vacation pictures.
Over one hundred nations met in Ireland this week to pass a treaty that would ban cluster bombs. Unfortunately, the treaty came too late for “Speed Racer.”
China threatened to boycott the films of Sharon Stone over comments she made criticizing the country’s treatment of Tibet. However, Chinese officials privately applauded Stone for shaving as bald as the Dalai Lama.
A 6.1 magnitude earthquake shook the southern coast of Iceland on Thursday. Sharon Stone immediately called a press conference to voice her suspicion that the earthquake was Iceland’s Karma for introducing an unsuspecting world to the music of Bjork.
Senator Larry Craig told reporters last week that he’s planning on writing a book that will discuss his arrest last year for attempting to solicit sex from an undercover officer in a bathroom stall. The book is called “If I Did It.”
Senator Larry Craig told reporters last week that he’s planning on writing a book that will discuss his arrest last year for attempting to solicit sex from an undercover officer in a bathroom stall. Now that he has finished the book that will clear his name, Craig has sworn to spend the rest of his time looking for the real cocksucker.
Paramount Pictures will release the fourth “Beverly Hills Cop” movie during summer 2010. In the film, Axel Foley will investigate exactly which movie killed the career of Eddie Murphy.
Paramount Pictures has announced that it will release the fourth installment of the Beverly Hills Cop franchise during the summer of 2010. This time, Eddie Murphy plays a Detroit cop who gets lost while trying to pick up transvestite prostitutes in Beverly Hills.
Clay Aiken will become a father after serving as a sperm donor for a fifty-year-old record producer. Aiken found her request easy to fulfill, as he just donated some of the extra sperm he had lying around his house.
Clay Aiken will become a father after artificially inseminating his fifty-year-old record producer. It’s the closest Aiken has come to losing his virginity.
Paul McCartney was awarded an honorary Doctor of Music degree from Yale University. The school then took back the degree after listening to any of McCartney’s music from the past 25 years.
Ashlee Simpson has announced she will be taking the name of new husband, Pete Wentz. From here on in, she will be known as Ashlee Whiny Douchebag.
Amy Winehouse told reporters that she will perform at a concert honoring Nelson Mandela next month. She has not announced yet when she’ll be cancelling her performance.
The wife of actor Bill Murray has filed for divorce after nearly 11 years of marriage. Mrs. Murray has demanded half of all Bill Murray’s assets, whereas Mr. Murray has countered, “Okay, there will be no money involved, but on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness. So you got that going for you. Which is nice.”
Bill Murray’s wife Jennifer Butler Murray has filed for divorce after nearly 11 years of marriage, accusing the comedian of infidelity, physical abuse, and drug and alcohol addiction. After being covered in slime, she was sent to Japan to sing karaoke and live the same day over and over again.
Kirsten Dunst told E! Online that she went to rehab in February not for drug or alcohol abuse but for depression. Along with everyone else who saw Spiderman 3.
The multimillion-dollar Long Island home at the center of a dispute between rapper 50 Cent and his former girlfriend was destroyed by a suspicious fire early Friday. Police became suspicious of foul play when the fire was seen collaborating with Timbaland and Justin Timberlake.
The multimillion-dollar Long Island home at the center of a dispute between rapper 50 Cent and his former girlfriend was destroyed by a suspicious fire early Friday. The fire is suspicious because, after destroying the home, it shot 50 Cent another 23 times.
Thelma Keene, the inspriation for the “Mommy” character in her husband Bil’s long-running “Family Circus” cartoon, died of Alzheimer’s disease last Friday at age 82. Her funeral was marred when her oldest son led a funeral procession that wandered aimlessly around the neighborhood, trailed by a dotted line.
Thelma Keene, the inspriation for the “Mommy” character in her husband Bil’s long-running “Family Circus” cartoon, died in Arizona last Friday at age 82. Doctors have not yet determined the cause of death, although they suspect the involvement of an invisible gremlin named “Not Me.”
Researchers in Brazil have produced aerial photos of jungle dwellers who are among the few remaining people on Earth with no contact to the outside world. Experts say the tribe is so remote that it takes them almost 15 minutes to get to the nearest Starbucks.
Last week, researchers in Brazil produced aerial photos of jungle dwellers who are among the few remaining people on Earth with no contact to the outside world. However, the tribe members are still just five degrees away from Kevin Bacon.
A woman who sneaked into a man’s house and lived undetected in his closet for a year was arrested in Japan on Thursday. Jodie Foster retorted that being in the closet for only a year is nothing.
Engineers monitoring the famed Leaning Tower of Pisa in Italy say that it has been successfully stabilized and is out of danger for at least 300 years. After that, the tower can remain vertical for another 20 years if it consults its doctor about Viagra.
Experts say that, due to recent engineering, the Leaning Tower of Pisa will remain stable for the next 300 years. Meanwhile, remaining unstable for the next 300 years will be Britney Spears.
In West Virginia last week, a young girl was stung by a scorpion while looking for fruit in a Wal-Mart store. Witnesses say the girl should have seen it coming, because the scorpion was singing “Rock You Like a Hurricane.”
In West Virginia last week, a young girl was stung by a scorpion while looking for fruit in a Wal-Mart store. Authorities say the girl deserved it because she was looking for fruit in a Wal-Mart store.
In West Virginia last week, a young girl was stung by a scorpion while looking for fruit in a Wal-Mart store. Luckily for the girl, she has adequate health coverage because her parents don’t work at a Wal-Mart.
Researchers in Florida have identified several potent mosquito repellents that can keep bugs from biting for up to 73 days. The most successful method so far: wearing sleeves.
The Supreme Court of Brazil voted last week to allow scientists to conduct research on embryonic stem cells. The only stipulation is that the research must be used to produce someone who looks like Blanka from Street Fighter 2.
A new survey claims that childhood obesity, which has been on the rise for more than two decades, appears to have hit a plateau in the United States. Unfortunately the plateau is actually a gathering of their obese parents.
A new survey claims that childhood obesity, which has been on the rise for more than two decades, appears to have hit a plateau in the United States. A big chocolatey plateau made of Hostess cupcakes and double-glazed apple fritters.
A new survey claims that childhood obesity, which has been on the rise for more than two decades, appears to have hit a plateau in the United States. The obesity numbers would have continued higher, but it can no longer support all that weight.
A new survey claims that childhood obesity, which has been on the rise for more than two decades, appears to have hit a plateau in the United States. Experts attribute the leveling off to the fact that the average American child is now too fat to get off the couch and too unfit to open a refrigerator.
A new survey claims that childhood obesity, which has been on the rise for more than two decades, appears to have hit a plateau in the United States. Mostly because their parents are too poor to feed them.
Officials in Las Lomas, California have warned residents to refrain from drinking tap water after tests showed the water contained high levels of mercury. Even more disturbing, the water also contained high levels of Freddie Mercury.
Officials in Las Lomas, California have warned residents to refrain from drinking tap water after tests showed the water contained high levels of mercury. Residents suspected the water contained mercury when they noticed it tasted like tuna.
And finally, Harvey Korman, the Emmy-award-winning co-star of “The Carol Burnett Show,” died Thursday at the age of eighty-one after complications from an abdominal aneurysm. The aneurysm burst when Korman was cracking up during surgery due to the hilarious antics of his colleague, Dr. Tim Conway.
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