John McCain proposed on Wednesday that Barack Obama join him in a series of ten town hall meetings to discuss current political issues. McCain added that he especially looked forward to debating why the U.S. should continue fighting the war…of 1812.

Broadcom co-founder Henry T. Nicholas III has been indicted on charges that he slipped ecstasy into the drinks of technology executives, maintained a warehouse to store cocaine, and funded drug parties on airplanes. Prosecutors intend to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Dr. Nicholas is guilty…of being the coolest boss ever!

On Monday a Texas judge ordered the immediate return of more than four hundred children taken from a polygamist sect’s ranch. Most excited about their return: the children’s husband.

In a speech on Monday, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad reaffirmed his prediction that Israel will soon disappear from the map. Ahmadinejad added that the only thing stopping Israel from disappearing now is that he lost David Copperfield’s phone number.

Human rights lawyers claimed on Monday that the United States is concealing numbers and whereabouts of war prisoners by using military ships as “floating prisons.” The worst human rights violation on the ships: the entertainment is Kathie Lee Gifford.

On Thursday, the U.S. military shot down a ballistic missile in a test near Hawaii. The next goal of the military is to figure out a way to make the interceptor missiles work in December 1941.

After touching down on Mars, the Phoenix Lander has left a single striking footprint-like impression. Responded Jesus: “My lambs, that’s not what happened at all. When there was only one footprint on Mars, it’s because I was carrying the NASA robot. Plus I was also hopping.”

And finally, sportscaster Jim McKay, the longtime host of ABC’s “Wide World of Sports,” died Saturday at his Maryland estate at age eighty-six. On his deathbed, McKay finally learned what it meant to experience the agony of defeat.


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