You think a little obstacle like an SUV crashing into iO West can thwart our noble Big News writers from their sworn duty of writing jokes about the week’s news?
Think again, bub!
Maybe we didn’t have a show this past week. And maybe we won’t be back on the iO West stage until Sunday, July 20 at 9pm (make your plans now). But just as the brave men and women of Trophy Wife rose to the occasion by finding humor in near-tragedy, so too do our courageous Big News writers forge ahead, continuing to bring down the high and haughty through the strongest weapon of all: comedy. (Disclaimer: Comedy in actuality not more powerful than bullets, bombs, knives, fists, or out-of-control SUVs.)
So here’s some of the jokes we would have told had a drunk driver not mistaken our theater’s bar for the parking garage of the Cosmo Lofts last Thursday. Look for more jokes from this past week a little later. And each week during our hiatus, check back as we post the Big News Report that we would have given from the iO West stage. If the hallway to that stage wasn’t covered with tiny shards of glass.
In fact, why not start with some jokes about a certain June 26 accident on Hollywood Boulevard….
On Thursday, an SUV crashed into the bar of the iO West theater on Hollywood Boulevard. The driver justified his action by pointing out it was the only place he could find parking.
On Thursday, an SUV crashed into the bar of the iO West theater on Hollywood Boulevard. On the plus side, the iO bar has a new drink special: the $4 Twisted-Metal-and-Broken-Glass-er-tini!
On Thursday, an SUV crashed into the bar of the iO West theater on Hollywood Boulevard. The driver explained that he was running low on gas and it was cheaper to total the car than fill up the tank.
On Thursday, an SUV crashed into the bar of the iO West theater on Hollywood Boulevard. The driver lost control of the vehicle while trying to figure out how to get his new hands-free headset to work.
On Thursday, an SUV crashed into the bar of the iO West theater on Hollywood Boulevard. Luckily, no one was hurt, since all of the improv fans in the area were still in line on the sidewalk outside UCB, waiting for the Wednesday night shows to start.
On Thursday, an out of control SUV crashed into the bar of the iO West theater on Hollywood Boulevard. The driver, a Mr. Andy Dick, claimed he was looking for a drink and a little attention.
John McCain has called for a $300 million prize to whoever can invent a battery that will surpass the gas-saving abilities of current hybrid and electric cars. In contrast, Barack Obama has offered $5 to any American voter who can tell the difference between strong presidential leadership and hosting a science fair contest.
According to a new poll, more voters feel John McCain is better suited than Barack Obama to handle Iraq because of McCain’s experience. The others feel Obama is better suited to handle Iraq because they think that’s where he’s from.
According to a new poll, more voters feel John McCain is better suited than Barack Obama to handle Iraq because of McCain’s experience. His experience in The Crusades.
After months of brutal violence and threats on his life, opposition party leader Morgan Tsvangirai withdrew from Zimbabwe’s election and fled to Holland when he was told that government soldiers were going to storm his house. When asked to comment, Hillary Clinton said: “Quitter.”
Queen Elizabeth II has stripped Zimbabwe President Robert Mugabe of his knighthood. Mugabe has responded by changing the name of the Zimbabwean city of Fort Elizabeth to “Bitch Town.”
After fifty-four years, the last of the US nuclear “gravity bombs” have been withdrawn from the UK. The completion of this operation frees up the resources needed to remove the next greatest US blight on British soil: Madonna.
French President Nicolas Sarkozy was quickly airlifted out of Tel Aviv after an Israeli police officer shot himself. French official are at a loss after the incident as they have been unable to determine who to surrender to.
French President Nicolas Sarkozy was quickly airlifted out of Tel Aviv after an Israeli police officer shot himself. The Israeli cop killed himself after seeing “You Don’t Mess with the Zohan.”
The Supreme Court ruled that Exxon must only pay $500 million in punitive damages for the 1989 oil spill, cutting the amount from $2.5 billion. To come up with the $500 million dollars, Exxon will sell a barrel of oil.
After the Supreme Court voted to overturn Washington D.C.’s ban on handguns, Justice Antonin Scalia noted, “The handgun seems to be America’s weapon of choice because it can be pointed at a burglar with one hand while the other hand dials the police.” Scalia went on to point out that a gun can also be pointed at a convenience store cashier with one hand while the other hand takes money from the cash register.
The House of Representatives has passed the Captive Primate Safety Act by a vote of 302-96, taking one step further towards a complete outlawing of pet monkeys. This act is predicted to affect anywhere from four to five people.
One of Monet’s water lily paintings was sold by Christie’s auction house on Tuesday for $80.4 million dollars. The painting fetched the record price because it is an important piece from his late period, and because it came with a free gas fill-up.
Advocates for the blind want the U.S. government to set minimum sound standards for new cars and trucks, pointing to potential safety hazards for blind pedestrians who can’t hear silent gas-electric hybrid vehicles. Auto makers say that the adjustments are unnecessary since most blind people have a highly developed capacity to sense smugness.
Advocates for the blind want the U.S. government to set minimum sound standards for new cars and trucks, pointing to potential safety hazards for blind pedestrians who can’t hear silent gas-electric hybrid vehicles. The State of California reassured its sightless citizens that as of July 1st, all vehicles will be equipped with the distinct sound of motorists yelling into crappy headsets.
According to a new study, up to two-thirds of California’s plants could lose their current habitat if temperatures increase over the next century. Two-thirds of Hollywood actresses would also lose their faces as their Botox melts.
According to a new study, up to two-thirds of California’s plants could lose their current habitat if temperatures increase over the next century. The study also showed that no plants ever seem to make it more than a week in my house.
In April, home prices in the U.S. tumbled at a record rate. The prices fell while doing their impression of Amy Winehouse.
A woman in New York gave birth to a baby girl on a subway platform in Chinatown. Unfortunately, the girl was stolen when the woman was mugged.
A woman in New York gave birth to a baby girl on a subway platform in Chinatown. The baby was promptly put to work making knock-off Coach handbags.
A woman in New York gave birth to a baby girl on a subway platform. Meanwhile in Gloucester, Massachusetts, seventeen teenage girls simultaneously gave birth in a Subway restaurant.
A woman in New York gave birth to a baby girl on a subway platform in Chinatown. The birth went well and all is okay with the mother and her sister… her daughter… her sister… her daughter… her sister… forget it, Jake, it’s Chinatown.
The president of the Mormon Church is asking California members to join the fight against gay marriage. Exceptions can be made, however, so that nobody has to fight the gay guys that work out a lot.
A judge in Louisiana has signed into law a bill that allows for the chemical castration of sex offenders using a drug that diminishes sexual impulses. If the drug doesn’t entirely kill the sex drive, the men will be forced to watch the Verne Troyer sex tape.
A judge in Louisiana has signed into law a bill that allows for the chemical castration of sex offenders using a drug that diminishes sexual impulses. The drug is called “Wedding Cake.”
And finally, legendary comedian George Carlin died June 22 of heart failure at age seventy-one. Carlin died right after completing his final routine, “Seven Words You Can’t Say While Having a Heart Attack.”
And finally, legendary comedian George Carlin died June 22 of heart failure at age seventy-one. Carlin’s passing marked the biggest tragedy in the comedy world since the previous Friday, which saw the death of Mike Myers’ career.
And finally, legendary comedian George Carlin died June 22 of heart failure at age seventy-one. There will be no eulogy at the service as it is full of words you can’t say.
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