Monday, September 29, 2008 in Editorial, Highlights, Humor, News, News & Commentary, News In Brief, Quick Takes, The Biz
Tags: "George Bush", ABC, Alaska, bailout, Ben & Jerry's, Ben Bernanke, bicycling, Britney Spears, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, chimpanzees, China, China fire, Chinese fire drill, Chinese women's gymnastics team, congress, David Blaine, David Letterman, Detroit Lions, Don Young, Federal Reserve, gymnastics, Harvard, ice cream, John McCain, John McCain suspends campaign, Keanu Reeves, Keith Urban, Lance Armstrong, Matt Millen, Millenium Development Goals, Nicole Kidman, Paul Newman, PETA, Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head, recession, Sarah Palin, Shakira, shopaholic, Ted Stevens, Tom Cruise, Ugly Betty, Wen Jiabao

Congress reached agreement over the weekend on a plan to help solve the U.S. financial crisis. So The most popular option consists of everyone packing up their things and moving to Canada.

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke told lawmakers on Tuesday that they will see a recession if they don’t approve President Bush’s bailout plan. Or if they just look out the window.

Following John McCain’s suspension of his campaign to work on the economic bailout plan, Sarah Palin announced that she too was suspending all campaign activities. Still no word on how anyone would be able to tell.

Sarah Palin will donate to charity over $1,000 in campaign contributions she received from two Alaska politicians implicated in a corruption scandal. The charity is called The Save John McCain’s Dying Campaign Fund.

After a three-year break, Lance Armstrong will return to professional racing by competing in the Amgen Tour of California. Armstrong had planned to return to cycling last year, but didn’t have the ball to do it.

Chinese premier Wen Jiabao claims his country is well on its way to achieving the UN-mandated Millennium Development Goals. Also hoping to achieve development by the next millennium: the women on the Chinese gymnastics team.

In a two-hour special Wednesday night, ABC aired the finale of David Blaine’s stunt where he hung upside down from a cable in Central Park for sixty straight hours. Blaine not only cheated death, but also cheated millions of viewers out of two hours of their lives.

David Letterman lashed out at John McCain for cancelling plans to appear on his show Wednesday night. He then lashed out at viewers for cancelling plans to watch his show for the past ten years.

A judge has dismissed assault claims filed against Keanu Reeves by a photographer who said that Reeves hit him with his Porsche. While the photographer claimed that Reeves was lying about his innocence, the judge knew Reeves was not a good enough actor to do that.

Shakira plans to make her children’s charity in Colombia into a worldwide foundation. The charity will teach poor children that they too can grow up to be really, really skanky.

The release of Britney Spears’s new single is being delayed due to a problem with the mix. The mix’s main problem is that you can hear Britney’s voice.

The third season of ABC’s “Ugly Betty” premiered Thursday night with the first episode shot in New York after the show’s move from L.A. With the move, ABC plans to change the name of the show to “Moderately Attractive Betty!”

Nicole Kidman claims that swimming in an Australian waterfall contributed to her recent unexpected pregnancy. Also contributing to Kidman’s pregnancy: Finally having a husband who’s heterosexual.

Researchers at Harvard recently discovered a way to regress adult cells into an embryonic state. The regressed cells then moved back in with their parents and refused to get a job.

Forty-four people were killed when a fire broke out last weekend at an illegal dance club in China. Authorities say despite announcements that it was not a drill, patrons exited the club, ran around the building, then went back inside.

Researchers at the University of Illinois have developed a test that can determine if a person is a shopaholic. The test consists of a single question: “Do you have a vagina?”

Members of PETA have sent a letter to the founders of Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream, urging them to replace the cow’s milk they use with human breast milk. Ben and Jerry agreed to PETA’s plan, as long as they get to do the milking.

According to a new study, chimpanzees prefer cooked food to raw food. Scientists came to this conclusion after observing chimps heating up their own feces.

The Detroit Lions have fired president Matt Millen after Millen led the team to a league-worst 31-84 record since 2001. Upon being fired, Millen congratulated President Bush for winning their “keeping a job that you suck at” contest.

And finally, Paul Newman died Friday at the age of eighty-three. Newman succumbed to injuries sustained after raindrops kept falling on his head.