Chip Saltsman, a candidate for chairman of the Republican National Committee, continues to face criticism for distributing a CD that contained the song parody “Barack the Magic Negro.” Some Democrats have defended Saltsman by noting that on January 20th Obama will in fact make a giant asshole disappear.
Chrysler has received a four billion dollar loan from the U.S Treasury. The money will be used to create a time machine so they can go back and un-invent the PT Cruiser.
Air Tran Airways apologized on Monday to nine Muslims who were removed from a flight to Florida after being wrongly accused of making suspicious remarks. The airline also apologized to Christians, Jews, Buddhists, Hindus, atheists and Scientologists, just for being such a shitty airline.
On Wednesday, Microsoft announced that a leap year programming bug in their Zune music players was responsible for the devices freezing up. The glitch came as a major disappointment to the three people who actually own a Zune.
To raise more money for road repairs and construction, Congress is considering increasing the gas tax. The tax would force consumers to pay an extra eight percent on all meals purchased at Taco Bell.
A Washington lobbyist sued The New York Times Tuesday, charging that the newspaper falsely created an impression that she had engaged in an improper romantic relationship with John McCain. The woman’s lawyers plan to prevail by calling to the stand a witness who will prove that no affair could have occurred: John McCain’s limp, shriveled and useless penis.
A Greek oil tanker crew used firehoses to fight off heavily armed Somali pirates trying to board their ship. The Greeks considered themselves lucky to have been attacked by pirates that are afraid of water.
Cuba celebrated the fiftieth anniversary of the country’s communist revolution on Thursday. Although the festivities were held in Cuba, they soon washed up on a raft on Miami Beach.
Oprah Winfrey has donated three hundred sixty-five thousand dollars to an Atlanta school. Oprah next plans to donate to a British school, because she wants to get rid of a couple thousand pounds.
Dane Cook’s business manager and half-brother Darryl McCauley was charged this week with embezzling ten million dollars from the comedian. Cook will retaliate by deleting McCauley from his top eight on MySpace.
Former Eurythmics star Dave Stewart has partnered with a sex toy company to create a designer vibrator that will sell for nearly fifteen hundred dollars. Said Stewart: “We’re going to use all the old Eurythmics hits to promote these fifteen hundred dollar vibrators. You know, ”Sisters Are Doin’ It for Themselves…with Fifteen Hundred Dollar Vibrators”…“Sweet Dreams Are Made of These…Fifteen Hundred Dollar Vibrators”…”Here Comes the Rain Again…and By ‘Rain’ I Mean ‘Vaginal Secretions’ Which Are Caused by Fifteen Hundred Dollar Vibrators”…I could go on all night – just like you could, with our fifteen hundred dollar vibrators!”
On New Year’s Day, the Orange Bowl featured a performance by classic rockers the Doobie Brothers. The performance was going well until Rerun from “What’s Happening” showed up and a bootleg recording device fell out of his trench coat.
A website has announced that “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” had more bloopers than any other film made in 2008. The biggest blooper: That it was made.
Latin album sales in the United States have slid for the second year in a row. Experts attribute the decline to the fact that no one speaks Latin anymore.
Traffic in Miami was tied up on Friday when thousands of shoes were dumped onto a freeway. Miami police attributed the congestion not to the shoes themselves, but by the hundreds of screaming women who stopped their cars and jumped out to grab them.
An environmental group has distributed over 200,000 ring tones of endangered species in order to raise awareness of the animals’ plights. The animals became endangered after people killed them due to their annoying ringtones.
Doctors have found that weight loss surgery tends to increase a man’s sex drive. Especially when the surgery is done on his wife.
A Texas jail has been closed and its inmates transferred after recliners were found inside the cells. The inmates claimed they needed the recliners to help them relax after a long day of getting raped.
A Long Island teenager has earned all one hundred twenty one merit badges offered by the Boy Scouts of America. He celebrated by eating a dozen Brownies.
As a way to boost its public image, Ford plans to offer two Lincoln models next year that can park themselves. The cars do this by breaking down and never running again.
And finally, Maria de Jesus, who was the world’s oldest person, died Friday at age 115. De Jesus passed away after somebody told her to act her age.
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