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President Bush has designated nearly 200,000 square miles of the Pacific Ocean as a protected region. Bush said he wants the area protected from all sea life while the U.S. drills it for oil.

Vice-President Dick Cheney told a CBS Radio reporter on Wednesday that his image has gotten a bad rap in the press and that he is in fact “a warm, lovable sort.” Cheney then warmly and lovingly shot the reporter in the face.

Apple CEO Steve Jobs said Monday that a hormone imbalance is to blame for the weight loss that has prompted concerns about his health. Jobs addd that his weight loss had made him so sleek, stylish and portable, that from now on he would be called the “i-Jobs Nano.”

Toyota and Honda’s U.S. sales fell in December by 37 and 35 percent, the highest sales declines out of all automakers. Meanwhile, Chrysler’s sales did not decline at all, because you can’t sell less than zero.

Sarah Palin said in an interview Monday that the media has treated Caroline Kennedy better than she was treated because of “class bias.” Namely, Caroline Kennedy went to class and Sarah Palin didn’t.

Two years after a gay sex scandal brought down his ministry, Ted Haggard told Newsweek that his sexual identity is complex and can’t be put into “stereotypical boxes.” Haggard noted that he didn’t like putting anything in boxes – especially when those boxes were vaginas.

In an interview with Barbara Walters about his cancer treatment, Patrick Swayze said he is “going through hell.” Not because of the cancer treatment, but because he was being interviewed by Barbara Walters.

Tom Cruise told a Spanish magazine that Scientology helped him overcome dyslexia. Cruise also gave credit to his wife, Hatie Kolmes.

Tonight Fox premiered the new season of “24,” which for the first time was filmed in Washington D.C. More specifically, it was shot at whatever bar in Washington that Keifer Sutherland was on the floor of at the time.

“Australia” is one of seven movies nominated for a best visual effects Academy Award. The film earned the honor for making Nicole Kidman’s face appear to move.

Former “Cosby Show” star Lisa Bonet gave birth this week to a baby boy. Bonet then dropped the child off at Bill Cosby’s place, as a replacement for another child that isn’t cute anymore.

In a new interview with Glamour magazine, Paris Hilton says she’s only ever had sex with a couple of people. This morning.

According to a new study, Mississippi has the highest teen birth rate in the United States. Mississippi also has the highest number of teens who can’t spell Mississippi.

New research indicates the Milky Way, once considered to be inferior to the nearby Andromeda galaxy, is actually considerably larger and bulkier than previously thought. Scientists attribute the Milky Way’s size primarily to the fact that it is filled with caramel and nougat.

A six year old boy in Virginia drove his parents’ car to school at speeds of sixty miles an hour before slamming into a utility pole. The good news is the child still has perfect attendance.

In a ceremony Tuesday, Secretary of Defense Robert Gates bestowed the Department of Defense Medal for Distinguished Public Service on President Bush. In the same ceremony, Gates also gave a cowardly lion a medal for courage.

Waterford Wedgwood, a company known for its classic china and crystal, has filed for bankruptcy. The move has left the company’s executives completely shattered.

Some New Jersey residents have reported seeing strange lights in the sky that they believe may be UFOs. Astrononers don’t have the heart to tell those New Jersey residents that the strange lights are called “stars.”

A new law goes into effect in February that requires toys and clothes made for children twelves and younger to be tested for lead and Phthalates. As a result, Toys ‘R Us is having a sale on its entire stock of “Tickle Me Lead and Phthalates Elmo.”

The makers of “Country Homes Magazine” have announced the publication is shutting down in March due to lack of sales. The magazine will be replaced by a new title, “Foreclosures at Auction Weekly.”

And finally, Ron Asheton, the guitarist for the influential punk rock band the Stooges, was found dead Tuesday morning. The Stooges have already hired a replacement guitarist: Curly Joe Asheton.


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